Exhausted…
If I could sum up my current state of being in one word, that would be it. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted.
Uni is a drag, my love life non – existent, and my brain feels like mush already, only three months into the year… I guess it’s a good thing then that I’m getting a break; one of my best friends has her birthday on Friday so we’re roadtrippping down to the coast for some sun, sand, and binge drinking. I know what you’re thinking, such along trip will surely make me only more fatigued, and the drinking will kill many brain cells that would otherwise be needed for mental rejuvenation… at least my emotions will get a rest right?
Wrong, my friends are bringing their boyfriends along; exactly what I need, being a fifth wheel far, far away from home with no escape and no fling for those drunken intimacy cravings… well this is bound to be good…
Brace yourselves people, here comes a sincere confession that no one else has heard and I dare not say out loud…
I’m lonely.
I miss being in a relationship with someone.
I feel like there’s something wrong with me that drives guys away.
Believe it or not, that took me forever to type.
There, I said it, I’m supposed to feel better now right? Wrong! My reflection in the mirror still has her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead… nice…
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Airhead Quotes
If my friends and I were in a movie, we’d definitely be cast as the popular, dumb blondes. Dumb we are not, but that’s what most people think about us. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t think before we speak and that doesn’t help to change this stereotype. So here are some exceptionally silly moments we’ve had recently… because everyone needs a good laugh once in a while!
Guy Friend: “You realize when you shoot pool; all the guys can’t wait til it’s your turn so they can sneak a peek down your shirt? Not that I’m complaining, I enjoy the view…”
Me: “Haha, my breasts are like a talent… like being a musician; I share them with other people to make them happy…”
Close Friend: “Shit, I just hurt my toe!”
Me: “Sorry babe, which one?”
Close Friend: “The third one.”
Me: “From the left or right..?”
Me: “What would you do if you gave birth and the baby looked nothing like your husband?”
Close Friend: “If that ever happens I’ll totally blame him!!”
Me: “I’m the most gullible person ever!”
T.D.H: “Did you know the word gullible doesn’t exist in the dictionary?”
Me: “Really..??”
Me: “So who are you supporting for the World Cup? I’m thinking France or Germany…”
Close Friend: “My favorite team obviously… Barcelona!”
Me: “The F.B.I are so rude with the way they go into people’s homes uninvited; you’d think once in a while they’d be all “excusez – moi” and “s’il vous plait”!!”
Older Brother: “And why exactly would they say that?”
Me:”Because they’re French duh! What do you think the F stands for?”
Older Brother (dying of laughter): “No you dumbass, it stand for Federal!”
Me: “That makes so much sense! I knew their American accents were too perfect!!”
*Playing Animal Kingdom*
Me: “What do you have for C?”
Friend: “Category?”
Me: “Food”
Friend: “Camel pie
Me: “Hahahahaha, that so doesn’t count!”
Friend: “Why not?”
Me: “Because dumbass, there’s no sockets in the desert!”
Friend: “???”
Me: “How are you going to bake with no sockets??”
Guy Friend: “You realize when you shoot pool; all the guys can’t wait til it’s your turn so they can sneak a peek down your shirt? Not that I’m complaining, I enjoy the view…”
Me: “Haha, my breasts are like a talent… like being a musician; I share them with other people to make them happy…”
Close Friend: “Shit, I just hurt my toe!”
Me: “Sorry babe, which one?”
Close Friend: “The third one.”
Me: “From the left or right..?”
Me: “What would you do if you gave birth and the baby looked nothing like your husband?”
Close Friend: “If that ever happens I’ll totally blame him!!”
Me: “I’m the most gullible person ever!”
T.D.H: “Did you know the word gullible doesn’t exist in the dictionary?”
Me: “Really..??”
Me: “So who are you supporting for the World Cup? I’m thinking France or Germany…”
Close Friend: “My favorite team obviously… Barcelona!”
Me: “The F.B.I are so rude with the way they go into people’s homes uninvited; you’d think once in a while they’d be all “excusez – moi” and “s’il vous plait”!!”
Older Brother: “And why exactly would they say that?”
Me:”Because they’re French duh! What do you think the F stands for?”
Older Brother (dying of laughter): “No you dumbass, it stand for Federal!”
Me: “That makes so much sense! I knew their American accents were too perfect!!”
*Playing Animal Kingdom*
Me: “What do you have for C?”
Friend: “Category?”
Me: “Food”
Friend: “Camel pie
Me: “Hahahahaha, that so doesn’t count!”
Friend: “Why not?”
Me: “Because dumbass, there’s no sockets in the desert!”
Friend: “???”
Me: “How are you going to bake with no sockets??”
Thursday, March 11, 2010
7 Minutes in Heaven
He licked his lips and then slowly parted them to reveal that lazy smile that I love so much, all the while his eyes fixed on mine. He raised his eyebrow, a cheeky glint in his eye. I felt a tingle run up my back… Sweet Jesus, the things he could do to me just by looking at me…
My eyes wandered down to his lips, full and soft, begging to be kissed. I bit my lip, fighting the fire that raged inside me; fighting the urge to press my lips against his, to taste the warmth of his mouth, to feel his body against mine, to have those wonderful masculine hands run all over my body, exploring, stroking, caressing…
He leaned in closer; the scent of his cologne was overpowering; filling my nostrils and adding fuel to the fire. The air between us was hot and thick, and I felt my breaths get shorter and deeper. I felt my legs uncross themselves; the heat was too much to bear. I tried to cross one over the other but they felt heavy… or just unwilling… his eyes were still on mine, I tried to be calm so as not to betray what I was really feeling. Eventually my legs cooperated; I lifted my left leg and made to cross it over my right…
I felt his warm hand on my blazing thigh as he stopped me from crossing my legs and he leaned even closer forward. Another violent tingle went through my body, and my mind became foggy. All I could think about was being naked with him, our bodies tangled in a heated passion, a film of sweat on our bodies, my hands on his firm ass as he… no, wait, focus! Don’t get too carried away!
He took his hand off my thigh and I managed to clear my head, if only for a short while. I smiled back at him, moving my body forward, closer to his, trying to tempt him back. His eyes wandered to my lips, faintly rose – stained from my lipstick, slightly parted in anticipation. They continued on to my neck, I knew he’d noticed by then that I was wearing his favorite perfume, he went on down to the gentle rise of my breasts, and the hint of cleavage at my neckline. He licked his lips again and swallowed hard, then leaned in to whisper in my ear…
“Bad idea, I’m going to have to kiss you now…”
My heart began to race, my body tingling all over, waiting expectantly for his lips to finally meet mine. He nibbled on my earlobe, and begun to work his way along my jaw line to my lips. I closed my eyes, savoring every light kiss, dying for him to finally reach my lips, dying to finally taste him…
Just then my phone began to ring. Shit, I tried to find it without interrupting him, without interrupting the delicious sensation my body was experiencing. Curse bags that have no inside pockets! I thought as I rummaged around for it.
“Just let it ring,” he murmured.
“I can’t, it’s my mum – mmmmh…” I tried to say in a level voice.
Maybe if I just open my eyes for one second…
I was staring at my curtains; the sun had just started peeking through. Next to me, my phone was ringing incessantly, my alarm having just gone off…
“Motherf… argh!” I groaned.
I hit the snooze button and rolled over, pulling the duvet over my eyes. Now where was I…?
[listening to: Sleeping to Dream - Jason Mraz]
My eyes wandered down to his lips, full and soft, begging to be kissed. I bit my lip, fighting the fire that raged inside me; fighting the urge to press my lips against his, to taste the warmth of his mouth, to feel his body against mine, to have those wonderful masculine hands run all over my body, exploring, stroking, caressing…
He leaned in closer; the scent of his cologne was overpowering; filling my nostrils and adding fuel to the fire. The air between us was hot and thick, and I felt my breaths get shorter and deeper. I felt my legs uncross themselves; the heat was too much to bear. I tried to cross one over the other but they felt heavy… or just unwilling… his eyes were still on mine, I tried to be calm so as not to betray what I was really feeling. Eventually my legs cooperated; I lifted my left leg and made to cross it over my right…
I felt his warm hand on my blazing thigh as he stopped me from crossing my legs and he leaned even closer forward. Another violent tingle went through my body, and my mind became foggy. All I could think about was being naked with him, our bodies tangled in a heated passion, a film of sweat on our bodies, my hands on his firm ass as he… no, wait, focus! Don’t get too carried away!
He took his hand off my thigh and I managed to clear my head, if only for a short while. I smiled back at him, moving my body forward, closer to his, trying to tempt him back. His eyes wandered to my lips, faintly rose – stained from my lipstick, slightly parted in anticipation. They continued on to my neck, I knew he’d noticed by then that I was wearing his favorite perfume, he went on down to the gentle rise of my breasts, and the hint of cleavage at my neckline. He licked his lips again and swallowed hard, then leaned in to whisper in my ear…
“Bad idea, I’m going to have to kiss you now…”
My heart began to race, my body tingling all over, waiting expectantly for his lips to finally meet mine. He nibbled on my earlobe, and begun to work his way along my jaw line to my lips. I closed my eyes, savoring every light kiss, dying for him to finally reach my lips, dying to finally taste him…
Just then my phone began to ring. Shit, I tried to find it without interrupting him, without interrupting the delicious sensation my body was experiencing. Curse bags that have no inside pockets! I thought as I rummaged around for it.
“Just let it ring,” he murmured.
“I can’t, it’s my mum – mmmmh…” I tried to say in a level voice.
Maybe if I just open my eyes for one second…
I was staring at my curtains; the sun had just started peeking through. Next to me, my phone was ringing incessantly, my alarm having just gone off…
“Motherf… argh!” I groaned.
I hit the snooze button and rolled over, pulling the duvet over my eyes. Now where was I…?
[listening to: Sleeping to Dream - Jason Mraz]
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Progress check…
I’d written this on a random piece of paper in August of last year, and because I’m the forgetful kind, it didn’t make it into the blog… but now that I’ve found it, I can look back and see if I accomplished what I so badly wanted to…
IT’S CALLED A BREAK – UP BECAUSE IT’S BROKEN…
I read this book while on vacation (yes, I went down to the coast, and ignored sun and sand to read a self – help book) and it made me feel like an idiot! I actually cried while reading it because I pitied myself… and then I was angry with the authors for telling me these things. Ignorance is bliss, that’s for sure.
After two nights in tears, a few bottles of wine, and packs of cigarettes, I began to see the book as a tool to making me better… to fixing myself as it were. So I finished the book sober, I even managed to laugh at some of the stories, and at myself. And then, before I knew it, I’d reached the end of the book… so now what? Well, the author says it’s time to go out and be that “superfox” that I am deep down… and not to make the same mistakes… easier said than done!
For the past year and a half, I’ve basically been stuck in the same break – up… and that makes me feel so……….. stupid! I have dated guys during that time but I’ve been trapped in the wake of my last “successful” relationship…
A horrible thought just occurred to me; I’m the poster girl for daddy issues! In movies, on T.V and everything else, the asshole, the guy who’s only out to get laid, always looks out for the girl with the daddy issues… because they’re insecure and easy… and that’s me… well, and exaggerated version of me but you get my drift… even my guy friends tell me that when guys aren’t up for a challenge, they’ll look for a girl who seems to have low self esteem or has guy issues of some kind… and I realized that all but one of the guys I’ve been with since my huge break – up, (which weirdly enough was the same day my dad died) have been with me for that reason…
And not just guys in the post – break – up era, just guys generally… so that makes the exceptions three or four… I think… now that’s depressing…
So ANYWAY, I’m on this mission to change… because I do know that I have many great qualities and I do want to be with someone… but only for the right reasons and only when I’ve fixed myself so I know not to settle for less…
But I’m lonely…
So it’s definitely not going to be easy to stay on the straight and narrow…
I guess all I can do is take it one step at a time, do the things I know I ought to, the rest will fall naturally…. I hope… first thing I’m going to do is redecorate my room… messy bed; messy head… it’s time to sort both out!!
Hmmm L.A, looks like I was on to this drama – tox thing before we had our joint epiphany, haha… I have to admit, it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be, I didn’t really start til you and I agreed to help each other out. With the exception of S.P, I did behave; I got over the bastard ex – boyfriend, I stopped hooking up with guys randomly, I haven’t done so badly for myself… if I had to give myself a grade for my progress so far, it’d probably be a B-; I’ve definitely improved but I could do better… here’s to self – improvement!
IT’S CALLED A BREAK – UP BECAUSE IT’S BROKEN…
I read this book while on vacation (yes, I went down to the coast, and ignored sun and sand to read a self – help book) and it made me feel like an idiot! I actually cried while reading it because I pitied myself… and then I was angry with the authors for telling me these things. Ignorance is bliss, that’s for sure.
After two nights in tears, a few bottles of wine, and packs of cigarettes, I began to see the book as a tool to making me better… to fixing myself as it were. So I finished the book sober, I even managed to laugh at some of the stories, and at myself. And then, before I knew it, I’d reached the end of the book… so now what? Well, the author says it’s time to go out and be that “superfox” that I am deep down… and not to make the same mistakes… easier said than done!
For the past year and a half, I’ve basically been stuck in the same break – up… and that makes me feel so……….. stupid! I have dated guys during that time but I’ve been trapped in the wake of my last “successful” relationship…
A horrible thought just occurred to me; I’m the poster girl for daddy issues! In movies, on T.V and everything else, the asshole, the guy who’s only out to get laid, always looks out for the girl with the daddy issues… because they’re insecure and easy… and that’s me… well, and exaggerated version of me but you get my drift… even my guy friends tell me that when guys aren’t up for a challenge, they’ll look for a girl who seems to have low self esteem or has guy issues of some kind… and I realized that all but one of the guys I’ve been with since my huge break – up, (which weirdly enough was the same day my dad died) have been with me for that reason…
And not just guys in the post – break – up era, just guys generally… so that makes the exceptions three or four… I think… now that’s depressing…
So ANYWAY, I’m on this mission to change… because I do know that I have many great qualities and I do want to be with someone… but only for the right reasons and only when I’ve fixed myself so I know not to settle for less…
But I’m lonely…
So it’s definitely not going to be easy to stay on the straight and narrow…
I guess all I can do is take it one step at a time, do the things I know I ought to, the rest will fall naturally…. I hope… first thing I’m going to do is redecorate my room… messy bed; messy head… it’s time to sort both out!!
Hmmm L.A, looks like I was on to this drama – tox thing before we had our joint epiphany, haha… I have to admit, it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be, I didn’t really start til you and I agreed to help each other out. With the exception of S.P, I did behave; I got over the bastard ex – boyfriend, I stopped hooking up with guys randomly, I haven’t done so badly for myself… if I had to give myself a grade for my progress so far, it’d probably be a B-; I’ve definitely improved but I could do better… here’s to self – improvement!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Chapstick, Chapped Lips and things like Chemistry
Today my Magic 8 Ball told me in no uncertain terms that things between T.D.H and I are not supposed to work out… now I normally don’t take these things seriously, but it did get me thinking…
Our lifestyles are completely different; we have different views on some fundamental things, our parents have brought us up differently… make no mistake, he is a super awesome guy, we’re just different in some undeniable ways…
My friends think I’m just jinxing the potential relationship because I’m scared of getting hurt again. Who can blame me when my wounds are still so fresh? I think I’m just being realistic. I know matters of the heart and logic are not exactly synonymous but I think that if people used their brains more instead of just “listening to their hearts”, then a lot of misery could be avoided. I’m not really one to talk, I’ve been known to time and time again drown out all my sense with the sound of my heart beating… or the tingling of my cherry, depends on the guy, haha…
At this point, a relationship with T.D.H seems inevitable…and I use that term loosely; it could be anything from friends with benefits to a real relationship… his best friend told me that I should “make it happen” because it would be “a good thing”… whatever he meant by that… we flirt on an almost daily basis, the chemistry is unquestionable… and he did already kind of tell me that he was going to ask me out… and put down his conditions for the relationship… haha, alcohol rules!
He’s so extremely yummy… he’s got the most amazing dimples; he smiles at me and my insides melt, he’s got these huge, manly hands (you know what I mean; bigger then mine so when he holds my hand I feel safe, nice nails but not jerk – nails, strong grip, slightly rough so they’re just “manly” enough…) when he looks at me, my stomach is all in knots and coherence becomes a problem (can you say verbal diarrhea?) I blush like a fool and look away… translation: I feel like a 12 – year old all over again! He’s so tall… when I stand next to him, my head doesn’t even reach his shoulders… I love it! He’s got the sexiest accent and he speaks French!! He sucks at Swahili though, it’s loads of fun trying to teach him how to say stuff… he cracks me up immensely, he’s got the wickedest sense of humor sigh… I could go on forever…
But my Magic 8 Ball tells me “outlook not so good” so I might have to tread even more carefully with this one…
Curse Vista and their stupid gadgets!
Our lifestyles are completely different; we have different views on some fundamental things, our parents have brought us up differently… make no mistake, he is a super awesome guy, we’re just different in some undeniable ways…
My friends think I’m just jinxing the potential relationship because I’m scared of getting hurt again. Who can blame me when my wounds are still so fresh? I think I’m just being realistic. I know matters of the heart and logic are not exactly synonymous but I think that if people used their brains more instead of just “listening to their hearts”, then a lot of misery could be avoided. I’m not really one to talk, I’ve been known to time and time again drown out all my sense with the sound of my heart beating… or the tingling of my cherry, depends on the guy, haha…
At this point, a relationship with T.D.H seems inevitable…and I use that term loosely; it could be anything from friends with benefits to a real relationship… his best friend told me that I should “make it happen” because it would be “a good thing”… whatever he meant by that… we flirt on an almost daily basis, the chemistry is unquestionable… and he did already kind of tell me that he was going to ask me out… and put down his conditions for the relationship… haha, alcohol rules!
He’s so extremely yummy… he’s got the most amazing dimples; he smiles at me and my insides melt, he’s got these huge, manly hands (you know what I mean; bigger then mine so when he holds my hand I feel safe, nice nails but not jerk – nails, strong grip, slightly rough so they’re just “manly” enough…) when he looks at me, my stomach is all in knots and coherence becomes a problem (can you say verbal diarrhea?) I blush like a fool and look away… translation: I feel like a 12 – year old all over again! He’s so tall… when I stand next to him, my head doesn’t even reach his shoulders… I love it! He’s got the sexiest accent and he speaks French!! He sucks at Swahili though, it’s loads of fun trying to teach him how to say stuff… he cracks me up immensely, he’s got the wickedest sense of humor sigh… I could go on forever…
But my Magic 8 Ball tells me “outlook not so good” so I might have to tread even more carefully with this one…
Curse Vista and their stupid gadgets!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Of Princes and Frogs (random thoughts of a very stoned college girl)
I recently watched The Princess and the Frog; cute movie… and it got me thinking about how the whole kissing a frog scenario works in real life. You meet a guy, obviously with his imperfections, but somehow things work out and you turn him into your prince and you live happily ever after (this period of time is very relative). And there’s the frogs that you kiss that don’t exactly turn out to be princes, but you count as “experience” because you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince right? That saying is horribly cliché.
One of my prudish friends asked how you can tell which frog is your prince without all the kissing and so I’m letting my mind wander off into that place where there’s a very thin line between nonsense and epiphanies… (I smoked a fat joint earlier and I’m still pretty stoned.) Thanks to National Geographic, we all know to avoid the brightly colored frogs because those are generally the poisonous ones. Although sometimes we let all the pretty colors fool us and allow the toxicity into our lives (case in point; Seximus Prime)
Assuming we play it safe and stick t the normal green, slimy amphibians, we might just be kissing someone else’s frog and then there’s some time and energy that you’ll never get back… and then what if someone’s kissing your prospective frog prince, or is at least trying to? Do you wait your turn even though you’re not sure he’s the right one for you? Or do you leave things up to fate because eventually your frog will have to turn into a prince ergo you’ll have to find him and give him that transforming kiss… shit, I’m really stoned, haha!!
I partied with T.D.H over the weekend. Things have been going pretty great and all our friend think we should get together but there is one problem… actually a couple of problems. One is that I’m being seriously cock – blocked by a mutual acquaintance that, believe it or not, has the same name as me. So the whole night even when he was trying to talk to me, she’d jump in. I’m not one to fight for a guy’s attention so I continued to party with everyone else and tried my best to ignore it… the other problem is that he has some habits, and there’s one in particular, that I’m not cool with. Sorry to be so vague but I don’t want to out him… the problem that worries me the most is that he might convince me to try said bad habit (I have insatiable curiosity and that gets me into loads of trouble) and it’s something that I would not be very proud of, not to mention my friends and family would kill me if they ever found out.
So my potential prince is still a frog and I’m not sure if my kiss will turn him, or if it’ll turn me into a frog instead…
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