Sunday, December 13, 2009
CHUCK LORRE VANITY CARDS,-#260, FASHION TRENDS
Dead is the new unambiguous. Bipolar is the new undecided. Heavily armed is the new born again. Bald is the new head… and the new crotch. Hairy is the new face. Sheepishly admitting to having an STD is the new flirting. Purell is the new face of fear. Finding the time that’s right for you is the new impotence. The smiley face emoticon is the new “sincerely yours”. Smoking is the new outdoorsy lifestyle. Looking forward to insanely expensive private schooling, thousand dollar a week nannies and soccer is the new yuppie birth control. Misinformed is the new patriotic. Veganism is the new “tastes like chicken”. Serotonin uptake inhibiting is the new crowd control. Texting is the new talking. Talking is the new singing. Singing is the new hubris. Gay marriage is the new “be careful what you wish for”. And finally, only because I (Chuck Lorre) really need this to catch on, fifty – seven years old is the new forty – five.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
random thought..
you know how buttered bread always lands on the buttered side when you drop it?
and how cats always land on their feet?
well if you tied a slice of buttered bread on the back of a cat with the buttered side up and tossed the cat off a roof, what side would it land on..?
and how cats always land on their feet?
well if you tied a slice of buttered bread on the back of a cat with the buttered side up and tossed the cat off a roof, what side would it land on..?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
another random venting post...
There is so much idle, mindless chatter going on around me, I’m constantly tempted to tear my hair out.
There are those people who speak for the sake of speaking. Maybe they just enjoy hearing the sound of their voices, beats me. These are the people who will talk non stop about anything and everything, not particularly making sense but just rambling on and on assuming for some reason that I‘m interested in the mundane details of their uninteresting lives.
Then there are those people who aren’t exactly talking to me but they’re talking loudly enough for me to hear... loud enough for anyone in a 50 kilometre radius to hear. And I’m thinking, is it that the person you’re speaking to is partially deaf? Or can you not control how loudly you speak? Are you aware that you’re contributing to noise pollution..?
People who tell a shitload of lies... you should be shot! Not only are you extremely irritating, but you insult my intelligence by feeding me a ton of bullshit and expecting me to impressed...
And then there’s people who say things that they don’t mean. Sigh... it doesn’t matter what it is, how deep or significant it is; if you don’t mean it, then don’t say it. It’s not rocket science. Cause once you say things, you can’t take them back. I’d rather listen to you ramble on about how long it took you to get rid of your ingrown toenail than hear you say one momentary meaningful thing that I’ll look back on and realise you never meant. Or sit in awkward silence than hear you make empty promises. Or say something then go like “oh, forget it...”
Or when you haven’t seen someone in ages and you decide to have lunch or something so you can “catch up” then they spend the next few hours in a narcissistic bitch fit.
Those people who always try to one – up you when you’re sharing experiences... you’re right up there with the liars... fuck you guys...
Aaaaaanywho...
**Think before you speak before you drive me insane**
There are those people who speak for the sake of speaking. Maybe they just enjoy hearing the sound of their voices, beats me. These are the people who will talk non stop about anything and everything, not particularly making sense but just rambling on and on assuming for some reason that I‘m interested in the mundane details of their uninteresting lives.
Then there are those people who aren’t exactly talking to me but they’re talking loudly enough for me to hear... loud enough for anyone in a 50 kilometre radius to hear. And I’m thinking, is it that the person you’re speaking to is partially deaf? Or can you not control how loudly you speak? Are you aware that you’re contributing to noise pollution..?
People who tell a shitload of lies... you should be shot! Not only are you extremely irritating, but you insult my intelligence by feeding me a ton of bullshit and expecting me to impressed...
And then there’s people who say things that they don’t mean. Sigh... it doesn’t matter what it is, how deep or significant it is; if you don’t mean it, then don’t say it. It’s not rocket science. Cause once you say things, you can’t take them back. I’d rather listen to you ramble on about how long it took you to get rid of your ingrown toenail than hear you say one momentary meaningful thing that I’ll look back on and realise you never meant. Or sit in awkward silence than hear you make empty promises. Or say something then go like “oh, forget it...”
Or when you haven’t seen someone in ages and you decide to have lunch or something so you can “catch up” then they spend the next few hours in a narcissistic bitch fit.
Those people who always try to one – up you when you’re sharing experiences... you’re right up there with the liars... fuck you guys...
Aaaaaanywho...
**Think before you speak before you drive me insane**
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
What REALLY grinds my gears.. inspired by Peter Griffin, the second coolest cartoon dad (after Homer Simpson) :)
1.)Skinny jeans – the name says it all people, skinny jeans are for skinny people!!
2.)Leggings, tights, treggings – these can be worn very stylishly, my girls and I pull it off all the time, but seriously, these will not look good when they have some lame design cut into them and you wear them with those fugly flowery tops.
3.)Those shirts that have waistcoats sewn onto them – really? Instead of buying a waistcoat and a shirt, you decide you’ll go for 2 in 1?? Really??? And don’t get me started on the material they make those shirts out of! Barf!!
4.)Tramp stamps – tattoos on the lower back are sexy, no lie. But when you go get some trite tattoo of a dolphin, rose, butterfly, tribal symbol, etc etc, it’s considered a tramp stamp. Regardless of how un – trampy you may be, it’s a tramp stamp. And it’s tacky.
5.)Those rubber awareness bangles – yeah, I’m all in support of Lance Armstrong and his Livestrong campaign, and the bracelets come in some really awesome colours but when it’s old, and faded, and falling to pieces then I think I suggest you support testicular cancer in another way.
6.)Big ass shades that make people look like insects – big shades are trés chic, just ask Jackie O. But when you’re walking around looking like a life-sized fly with ridiculously compound eyes, then I think you’ve taken this trend way too far. Invest in a smaller pair or shape that will suit your face.
7.)Don’t even get me started on those multi – coloured biker shades.... gag!
8.)Dreadlocks when you have a receding hairline. Why oh why would you do that to yourself?? The only person who has an excuse is Stevie Wonder; he has no idea how ridiculous he looks. The rest of you, invest in a mirror and a good dose of self – criticism. Then go to your neighbourhood barber and just let go.
9.)Tacky weaves – if you’re walking around with something that looks like a dead animal on your head.... please, just shave your head, it’s cheaper to maintain.
10.)Fake diamonds in people’s teeth – no. Just no.
11.)Drawn eyebrows – why on God’s green earth would anyone be possessed to shave their eyebrows and draw them on?? Don’t get me started on the people who have tattooed eyebrows..
12.)Belts with stupid buckles – if it shines, glows, has laser lights or is holographic then just say no.
13.)Huge hoodies with bright shiny designs.
14.)Those random piercings on the sides of people’s mouths – hate to break it to you girls but they just look like big, shiny warts!
15.)Dress tops with fat belts.
16.)Spiky “rocker” bracelets – there’s nothing cool about something that can take my eye out if I just so happen to be behind you when you yawn.
17.)The Rihanna weave/haircut – not everyone can pull this off. So to save yourself years of braids while you wait for you steel wire excuse for hair to grow, just take a good, long look in the mirror and realise, you are not Rihanna!!!!
18.)Furry boots – I love furry boots. But not when they look like you just picked up some road kill and turned it into shoes with the help of your local drunk, homeless guy.
19.)People who wear wide tops with A – line skirts – it’s a wide top already. No need for a wide skirt.
20.)People who shout on the phone... one word for you: MICROPHONE!! It’s not two cups and a string, the person on the other end can hear perfectly fine if you speak like you normally do. And if you can’t hear what they’re saying, ask them to speak up, you shouting won’t improve your hearing!
21.)Slow walkers who decide that right in front of me is the perfect place to race with a snail and let it win. And then it’s like they have eyes on the back of their heads because every time you try to cut in front of them from the side, they move with you.
22.)When I’m in a mat or any other public place and the person next to me tries to read my texts or help me check my facebook. Excuse me, just because your life is just about as interesting as watching clumpy nail polish dry, doesn’t give you license to invade my privacy!
23.)When people take FOREVER to text back, so annoying!
24.)When people brush their teeth and the foamy spit stays in the sink... EEEEEEUW!!!
25.)People who wear too much cologne
26.)People who wear cheap cologne
27.)People who NEED to wear cologne... or deo... or anything that will kill their B.O
28.)Grown women with midlife spread in tiny tank tops... for the sake of everyone around you, cover it up!
29.)Self – righteous religious people
30.)Self – righteous people period
31.)People who think they know you
32.)Guys who see, like, and decide to touch – I’m not some soft pillow in the Mr. Price home section. look for a moment, don’t stare and definitely don’t touch!
33.)Wannabe gangsta guys who use words like “shawry” and “swirre”. For goodness sakes, be fuckin coherent!!
34.)Gaybashers. Leave gay people alone, they’re awesome!
35.)Homophobes. It’s been proven that people who are the most homophobic, have the most homosexual tendencies. Ha!
36.)People who chew with their mouths open. Shit, I bet you have really nice teeth, and you’re very impressed with the rate at which you can masticate (lol, that word cracks me up!) but I don’t need to see. Or hear. Keep your mouth shut.
37.)When someone starts telling me something then halfway they go “oh, forget it”
38.)Do rags... nuff said
39.)Girls (and guys) who walk around with their ass cracks sticking out of their jeans. There’s a reason why jeans go up to your waist.
40.)Camel toes... I feel embarrassed for you girls... really, it’s just sad.
2.)Leggings, tights, treggings – these can be worn very stylishly, my girls and I pull it off all the time, but seriously, these will not look good when they have some lame design cut into them and you wear them with those fugly flowery tops.
3.)Those shirts that have waistcoats sewn onto them – really? Instead of buying a waistcoat and a shirt, you decide you’ll go for 2 in 1?? Really??? And don’t get me started on the material they make those shirts out of! Barf!!
4.)Tramp stamps – tattoos on the lower back are sexy, no lie. But when you go get some trite tattoo of a dolphin, rose, butterfly, tribal symbol, etc etc, it’s considered a tramp stamp. Regardless of how un – trampy you may be, it’s a tramp stamp. And it’s tacky.
5.)Those rubber awareness bangles – yeah, I’m all in support of Lance Armstrong and his Livestrong campaign, and the bracelets come in some really awesome colours but when it’s old, and faded, and falling to pieces then I think I suggest you support testicular cancer in another way.
6.)Big ass shades that make people look like insects – big shades are trés chic, just ask Jackie O. But when you’re walking around looking like a life-sized fly with ridiculously compound eyes, then I think you’ve taken this trend way too far. Invest in a smaller pair or shape that will suit your face.
7.)Don’t even get me started on those multi – coloured biker shades.... gag!
8.)Dreadlocks when you have a receding hairline. Why oh why would you do that to yourself?? The only person who has an excuse is Stevie Wonder; he has no idea how ridiculous he looks. The rest of you, invest in a mirror and a good dose of self – criticism. Then go to your neighbourhood barber and just let go.
9.)Tacky weaves – if you’re walking around with something that looks like a dead animal on your head.... please, just shave your head, it’s cheaper to maintain.
10.)Fake diamonds in people’s teeth – no. Just no.
11.)Drawn eyebrows – why on God’s green earth would anyone be possessed to shave their eyebrows and draw them on?? Don’t get me started on the people who have tattooed eyebrows..
12.)Belts with stupid buckles – if it shines, glows, has laser lights or is holographic then just say no.
13.)Huge hoodies with bright shiny designs.
14.)Those random piercings on the sides of people’s mouths – hate to break it to you girls but they just look like big, shiny warts!
15.)Dress tops with fat belts.
16.)Spiky “rocker” bracelets – there’s nothing cool about something that can take my eye out if I just so happen to be behind you when you yawn.
17.)The Rihanna weave/haircut – not everyone can pull this off. So to save yourself years of braids while you wait for you steel wire excuse for hair to grow, just take a good, long look in the mirror and realise, you are not Rihanna!!!!
18.)Furry boots – I love furry boots. But not when they look like you just picked up some road kill and turned it into shoes with the help of your local drunk, homeless guy.
19.)People who wear wide tops with A – line skirts – it’s a wide top already. No need for a wide skirt.
20.)People who shout on the phone... one word for you: MICROPHONE!! It’s not two cups and a string, the person on the other end can hear perfectly fine if you speak like you normally do. And if you can’t hear what they’re saying, ask them to speak up, you shouting won’t improve your hearing!
21.)Slow walkers who decide that right in front of me is the perfect place to race with a snail and let it win. And then it’s like they have eyes on the back of their heads because every time you try to cut in front of them from the side, they move with you.
22.)When I’m in a mat or any other public place and the person next to me tries to read my texts or help me check my facebook. Excuse me, just because your life is just about as interesting as watching clumpy nail polish dry, doesn’t give you license to invade my privacy!
23.)When people take FOREVER to text back, so annoying!
24.)When people brush their teeth and the foamy spit stays in the sink... EEEEEEUW!!!
25.)People who wear too much cologne
26.)People who wear cheap cologne
27.)People who NEED to wear cologne... or deo... or anything that will kill their B.O
28.)Grown women with midlife spread in tiny tank tops... for the sake of everyone around you, cover it up!
29.)Self – righteous religious people
30.)Self – righteous people period
31.)People who think they know you
32.)Guys who see, like, and decide to touch – I’m not some soft pillow in the Mr. Price home section. look for a moment, don’t stare and definitely don’t touch!
33.)Wannabe gangsta guys who use words like “shawry” and “swirre”. For goodness sakes, be fuckin coherent!!
34.)Gaybashers. Leave gay people alone, they’re awesome!
35.)Homophobes. It’s been proven that people who are the most homophobic, have the most homosexual tendencies. Ha!
36.)People who chew with their mouths open. Shit, I bet you have really nice teeth, and you’re very impressed with the rate at which you can masticate (lol, that word cracks me up!) but I don’t need to see. Or hear. Keep your mouth shut.
37.)When someone starts telling me something then halfway they go “oh, forget it”
38.)Do rags... nuff said
39.)Girls (and guys) who walk around with their ass cracks sticking out of their jeans. There’s a reason why jeans go up to your waist.
40.)Camel toes... I feel embarrassed for you girls... really, it’s just sad.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will tear me to pieces...
I think that’s an appropriate revision of that saying, the last part was bullshit. It was probably made up by some fat loser who got tired of all the verbal abuse and desperately needed something to console him and keep him from slitting his wrists. Not that he’d get anywhere; he’d probably just be cutting through layers of cholesterol for hours. Words do hurt. And the worst part is that all it takes is an idle moment to utter something that could scar someone so deeply. If you’re a fat loser, then my idle rant proves my point...
Today I was reminded of this fact. Some harmless teasing went way out of control and at the end of it I was hurt and furious. I showed the furious bit, not the hurt one. I’m a bit too proud for that.
Anyway, I digress.
Words hurt. And as I sat there stewing silently in complete disbelief at the effect that those seemingly harmless words had had on me, I realised that I make people feel the same way almost on a daily basis. I have a very quick temper and an even faster tongue. Sometimes before I realise it, a snide remark or stinging comment has already escaped my lips. I may just be in a bad mood, irritated with the slow service at a restaurant, annoyed because the sun is too hot and I forgot to put some sun block on... regardless of the reason, the minute my temperament takes a turn for the worst, my tongue becomes sharper and my words harsher.
Why you ask?
Fucked if I know... Is it because I’m in a shitty mood and I feel the need to make everyone feel the same? Or is it just an expression of my irritation or anger? Maybe I’m one of those sadistic people who likes to see people suffer? Highly unlikely though, otherwise I wouldn’t feel bad right?
I don’t know why, I’ll try figure it out... all I know is that it needs to stop... cause damn, words really fuckin hurt...
Today I was reminded of this fact. Some harmless teasing went way out of control and at the end of it I was hurt and furious. I showed the furious bit, not the hurt one. I’m a bit too proud for that.
Anyway, I digress.
Words hurt. And as I sat there stewing silently in complete disbelief at the effect that those seemingly harmless words had had on me, I realised that I make people feel the same way almost on a daily basis. I have a very quick temper and an even faster tongue. Sometimes before I realise it, a snide remark or stinging comment has already escaped my lips. I may just be in a bad mood, irritated with the slow service at a restaurant, annoyed because the sun is too hot and I forgot to put some sun block on... regardless of the reason, the minute my temperament takes a turn for the worst, my tongue becomes sharper and my words harsher.
Why you ask?
Fucked if I know... Is it because I’m in a shitty mood and I feel the need to make everyone feel the same? Or is it just an expression of my irritation or anger? Maybe I’m one of those sadistic people who likes to see people suffer? Highly unlikely though, otherwise I wouldn’t feel bad right?
I don’t know why, I’ll try figure it out... all I know is that it needs to stop... cause damn, words really fuckin hurt...
Sunday, October 18, 2009
hmmm....
Is it weird to like someone you haven’t even met? Cause it happened to me. I had a facebook crush. And not because he was hot or anything (I’m not saying that he’s not, he’s smokin!) but because we clicked. He knew how to make me laugh. So I kinda fell for his personality, and for how he made me feel. Then I met him. And it felt like I’d been hit by a freight train... he’s AWESOME!! Tall, sexy, he’s got eyes that make me melt... and here’s the best part, he likes me too :) but (sadly, there’s always a but :( sigh...) he’s leaving soon (what’s with me and all these guys who I meet, fall for and then they have to leave?) and we’re not sure if having a relationship would be practical... so we’re trying to figure it out... I’m officially a believer in cyber love.... or cyber like at least :)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
. . .
I’m starting to think I have a problem.
This is the second friend I’ve lost in about a year.
While it is not my fault that the friendship ended, I’m starting to think that maybe it might be.
But what do you do when someone would rather believe her sleazy boyfriend and her untrustworthy friends over you who has been there through her lowest moments? I think she was just looking for someone to blame everything on. So she convinced herself it was me. But a clear conscience is the best thing; I can walk around knowing that no matter what she says, no matter what she’s told other people about me in a bid to ruin my reputation, I know that truth. And as the saying goes, it is liberating…
Now you. One of my oldest friends. Someone who even my family held in such great regard. You gang up with previously mentioned frenemy to destroy me... and for what reason?? For “attention”? You spin this outrageous web of lies for years and years, treating the people close to you like pawns in your twisted mind games! You disgust me... never once have I been a bad friend to you, never have I betrayed you or hurt you. 8 years of blissful friendship. And yet, after I list so many people that were close to me in such a short space of time, after I managed to find some stability with new friends, you pull the ground out from under my feet… and at the end of it all, when the truth came out and you had been exposed, you couldn’t even be honest with us. With me. It took hours, tears, threats, and us picking at all the holes in you stories for you to come clean. The result? A blank stare, you still insisting that some lies were truths, not being able to explain why, and not even one apology. Then we got up and went our separate ways.
You text an apology hours later. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” Your arrogance appals me and I don’t reply. Then the next day you come up to us.
“So is this how it’s gonna be? We’re not gonna be friends anymore?”
What the fuck did you expect?? That we’d be ok with you after everything you did? That we’d laugh, exchange air kisses and go have a smoke and gossip like we always do? Or that we’d still be upset but want to be friends? There is no trust!!! We can’t even stand looking at you lying self and thinking about all that we’ve been through because of your selfish and psychotic ways!!
Then you go and tell everyone a different side of the story… gee, your apology really seems sincere now… but back to what I said about a clear conscience. Go on and talk yourself hoarse. You’re actually ding me a favour, I get to see you for who you really are and I get t find out who my true friends are… thanks!
You know what, I do have a problem…, but it’s not what you’re thinking… I trust too easily, I go out with the intention of being good to everyone and assume that everyone else will be the same to me. I’m naïve, and I need to stop. Because I’m so tired of so – called friends taking advantage of that…
You hurt me so deeply… but I’ll take it as a lesson learned…
Besides, that über cute guy smiled at me yesterday :) :) on to happier things!!!
This is the second friend I’ve lost in about a year.
While it is not my fault that the friendship ended, I’m starting to think that maybe it might be.
But what do you do when someone would rather believe her sleazy boyfriend and her untrustworthy friends over you who has been there through her lowest moments? I think she was just looking for someone to blame everything on. So she convinced herself it was me. But a clear conscience is the best thing; I can walk around knowing that no matter what she says, no matter what she’s told other people about me in a bid to ruin my reputation, I know that truth. And as the saying goes, it is liberating…
Now you. One of my oldest friends. Someone who even my family held in such great regard. You gang up with previously mentioned frenemy to destroy me... and for what reason?? For “attention”? You spin this outrageous web of lies for years and years, treating the people close to you like pawns in your twisted mind games! You disgust me... never once have I been a bad friend to you, never have I betrayed you or hurt you. 8 years of blissful friendship. And yet, after I list so many people that were close to me in such a short space of time, after I managed to find some stability with new friends, you pull the ground out from under my feet… and at the end of it all, when the truth came out and you had been exposed, you couldn’t even be honest with us. With me. It took hours, tears, threats, and us picking at all the holes in you stories for you to come clean. The result? A blank stare, you still insisting that some lies were truths, not being able to explain why, and not even one apology. Then we got up and went our separate ways.
You text an apology hours later. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” Your arrogance appals me and I don’t reply. Then the next day you come up to us.
“So is this how it’s gonna be? We’re not gonna be friends anymore?”
What the fuck did you expect?? That we’d be ok with you after everything you did? That we’d laugh, exchange air kisses and go have a smoke and gossip like we always do? Or that we’d still be upset but want to be friends? There is no trust!!! We can’t even stand looking at you lying self and thinking about all that we’ve been through because of your selfish and psychotic ways!!
Then you go and tell everyone a different side of the story… gee, your apology really seems sincere now… but back to what I said about a clear conscience. Go on and talk yourself hoarse. You’re actually ding me a favour, I get to see you for who you really are and I get t find out who my true friends are… thanks!
You know what, I do have a problem…, but it’s not what you’re thinking… I trust too easily, I go out with the intention of being good to everyone and assume that everyone else will be the same to me. I’m naïve, and I need to stop. Because I’m so tired of so – called friends taking advantage of that…
You hurt me so deeply… but I’ll take it as a lesson learned…
Besides, that über cute guy smiled at me yesterday :) :) on to happier things!!!
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