Progress check…

I’d written this on a random piece of paper in August of last year, and because I’m the forgetful kind, it didn’t make it into the blog… but now that I’ve found it, I can look back and see if I accomplished what I so badly wanted to…

IT’S CALLED A BREAK – UP BECAUSE IT’S BROKEN…
I read this book while on vacation (yes, I went down to the coast, and ignored sun and sand to read a self – help book) and it made me feel like an idiot! I actually cried while reading it because I pitied myself… and then I was angry with the authors for telling me these things. Ignorance is bliss, that’s for sure.
After two nights in tears, a few bottles of wine, and packs of cigarettes, I began to see the book as a tool to making me better… to fixing myself as it were. So I finished the book sober, I even managed to laugh at some of the stories, and at myself. And then, before I knew it, I’d reached the end of the book… so now what? Well, the author says it’s time to go out and be that “superfox” that I am deep down… and not to make the same mistakes… easier said than done!
For the past year and a half, I’ve basically been stuck in the same break – up… and that makes me feel so……….. stupid! I have dated guys during that time but I’ve been trapped in the wake of my last “successful” relationship…
A horrible thought just occurred to me; I’m the poster girl for daddy issues! In movies, on T.V and everything else, the asshole, the guy who’s only out to get laid, always looks out for the girl with the daddy issues… because they’re insecure and easy… and that’s me… well, and exaggerated version of me but you get my drift… even my guy friends tell me that when guys aren’t up for a challenge, they’ll look for a girl who seems to have low self esteem or has guy issues of some kind… and I realized that all but one of the guys I’ve been with since my huge break – up, (which weirdly enough was the same day my dad died) have been with me for that reason…
And not just guys in the post – break – up era, just guys generally… so that makes the exceptions three or four… I think… now that’s depressing…
So ANYWAY, I’m on this mission to change… because I do know that I have many great qualities and I do want to be with someone… but only for the right reasons and only when I’ve fixed myself so I know not to settle for less…
But I’m lonely…
So it’s definitely not going to be easy to stay on the straight and narrow…
I guess all I can do is take it one step at a time, do the things I know I ought to, the rest will fall naturally…. I hope… first thing I’m going to do is redecorate my room… messy bed; messy head… it’s time to sort both out!!

Hmmm L.A, looks like I was on to this drama – tox thing before we had our joint epiphany, haha… I have to admit, it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be, I didn’t really start til you and I agreed to help each other out. With the exception of S.P, I did behave; I got over the bastard ex – boyfriend, I stopped hooking up with guys randomly, I haven’t done so badly for myself… if I had to give myself a grade for my progress so far, it’d probably be a B-; I’ve definitely improved but I could do better… here’s to self – improvement!

Chapstick, Chapped Lips and things like Chemistry

Today my Magic 8 Ball told me in no uncertain terms that things between T.D.H and I are not supposed to work out… now I normally don’t take these things seriously, but it did get me thinking…
Our lifestyles are completely different; we have different views on some fundamental things, our parents have brought us up differently… make no mistake, he is a super awesome guy, we’re just different in some undeniable ways…
My friends think I’m just jinxing the potential relationship because I’m scared of getting hurt again. Who can blame me when my wounds are still so fresh? I think I’m just being realistic. I know matters of the heart and logic are not exactly synonymous but I think that if people used their brains more instead of just “listening to their hearts”, then a lot of misery could be avoided. I’m not really one to talk, I’ve been known to time and time again drown out all my sense with the sound of my heart beating… or the tingling of my cherry, depends on the guy, haha…
At this point, a relationship with T.D.H seems inevitable…and I use that term loosely; it could be anything from friends with benefits to a real relationship… his best friend told me that I should “make it happen” because it would be “a good thing”… whatever he meant by that… we flirt on an almost daily basis, the chemistry is unquestionable… and he did already kind of tell me that he was going to ask me out… and put down his conditions for the relationship… haha, alcohol rules!
He’s so extremely yummy… he’s got the most amazing dimples; he smiles at me and my insides melt, he’s got these huge, manly hands (you know what I mean; bigger then mine so when he holds my hand I feel safe, nice nails but not jerk – nails, strong grip, slightly rough so they’re just “manly” enough…) when he looks at me, my stomach is all in knots and coherence becomes a problem (can you say verbal diarrhea?) I blush like a fool and look away… translation: I feel like a 12 – year old all over again! He’s so tall… when I stand next to him, my head doesn’t even reach his shoulders… I love it! He’s got the sexiest accent and he speaks French!! He sucks at Swahili though, it’s loads of fun trying to teach him how to say stuff… he cracks me up immensely, he’s got the wickedest sense of humor  sigh… I could go on forever…
But my Magic 8 Ball tells me “outlook not so good” so I might have to tread even more carefully with this one…
Curse Vista and their stupid gadgets!

Of Princes and Frogs (random thoughts of a very stoned college girl)

I recently watched The Princess and the Frog; cute movie… and it got me thinking about how the whole kissing a frog scenario works in real life. You meet a guy, obviously with his imperfections, but somehow things work out and you turn him into your prince and you live happily ever after (this period of time is very relative). And there’s the frogs that you kiss that don’t exactly turn out to be princes, but you count as “experience” because you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince right? That saying is horribly cliché.
One of my prudish friends asked how you can tell which frog is your prince without all the kissing and so I’m letting my mind wander off into that place where there’s a very thin line between nonsense and epiphanies… (I smoked a fat joint earlier and I’m still pretty stoned.) Thanks to National Geographic, we all know to avoid the brightly colored frogs because those are generally the poisonous ones. Although sometimes we let all the pretty colors fool us and allow the toxicity into our lives (case in point; Seximus Prime)
Assuming we play it safe and stick t the normal green, slimy amphibians, we might just be kissing someone else’s frog and then there’s some time and energy that you’ll never get back… and then what if someone’s kissing your prospective frog prince, or is at least trying to? Do you wait your turn even though you’re not sure he’s the right one for you? Or do you leave things up to fate because eventually your frog will have to turn into a prince ergo you’ll have to find him and give him that transforming kiss… shit, I’m really stoned, haha!!

I partied with T.D.H over the weekend. Things have been going pretty great and all our friend think we should get together but there is one problem… actually a couple of problems. One is that I’m being seriously cock – blocked by a mutual acquaintance that, believe it or not, has the same name as me. So the whole night even when he was trying to talk to me, she’d jump in. I’m not one to fight for a guy’s attention so I continued to party with everyone else and tried my best to ignore it… the other problem is that he has some habits, and there’s one in particular, that I’m not cool with. Sorry to be so vague but I don’t want to out him… the problem that worries me the most is that he might convince me to try said bad habit (I have insatiable curiosity and that gets me into loads of trouble) and it’s something that I would not be very proud of, not to mention my friends and family would kill me if they ever found out.
So my potential prince is still a frog and I’m not sure if my kiss will turn him, or if it’ll turn me into a frog instead…

Sharp Hint of New Tears

“Come on Yvette; tell me, it can’t possibly be that bad!” I said as a laughed and handed her a cigarette. I couldn’t stand her for shit, especially after she brazenly hit on Seximus Prime the morning after we’d been together, but what girl can resist some juicy gossip?
She paused as I lit it for her. She sighed as she exhaled. “I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t smashed, you’re just lucky you saw me before you left.”
We were standing outside the local bar near uni, I was all set to leave until she saw me and came rushing towards me with the promise of a good story that I knew I could laugh about with the girls over coffee the next day.
I giggled and shoved her playfully, “out with it then, I haven’t got all night, I’ve got to go home and study for my paper tomorrow.”
“I slept with him babe.”
She paused to take a drag of her cigarette.
“I wanted to tell you but I wasn’t sure how to. You know what I’m like when I get drunk…”
I nodded, not fully aware of myself, not fully understanding the words I was hearing. She couldn’t mean who I thought she did. I mean, she is the biggest slut around, her sleeping with someone was no shocker, but she could NOT possibly mean who I thought she did.
“It was that night, you know, the last time you saw me… last week was it?”
I didn’t need any clarification, the memory was still fresh. Her throwing herself at him right in front of me, knowing exactly how I felt about him and what had happened between us… knowing that things were getting better between us…
I took the cigarette from her, took a long drag and flicked the ash away. She reached into her pocket to get her phone. She opened her inbox folder and handed it to me. I read the explicit messages from him, describing in detail what he wanted to do to her… some of the things he’d done to me… Blinking back tears, I handed it back to her. Faking a laugh, I said, “He’s quite the charmer isn’t he?”
She slurred something and laughed, it sounded like a witch’s cackle to me. I didn’t ask her to repeat herself. As I put the cigarette to my lips one more time, it somehow slipped and fell, narrowly missing my toe. Only then did I realize how numb I was.
“I’m sorry. I knew you guys were having a thing, even if you weren’t quite together. It just… happened…”
I half – smiled as I lit another cigarette. Don’t worry about it, he’s all yours.”
A tear rolled down my cheek. I brushed it off and breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn’t seen it.

As I turned to walk away, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see T.D.H looking at me, a concerned look on his face.
“Are you ok?”
I shook my head, afraid that if I spoke, more tears would fall.
“Come on, I’ll take you home.”
I shrugged and he took my bag from me as we walked to his car. He tossed it into the back seat where his already was. That instant, I remembered where he lived; I was totally putting him out. For a second, I considered taking a taxi. As if he could read my thoughts, he held the door open for me and gently nudged me.
I looked at him and he smiled at me.
“Get in silly, or do you want to run behind me all the way?”
Trust him to make me laugh even when I felt like shit, I got in and shut the door, and watched him walk around to the driver’s seat.
As we pulled out. I looked back, and caught a glimpse of Yvette chatting animatedly on the phone, oblivious of how deeply she'd just hurt me.
No, not oblivious.
Just unconcerned.

[Listening to: Poke – Frightened Rabbit]

Crash and Burn (I Totally Didn’t See This One Coming)

So I guess it’s safe to say that things between me and Seximus Prime are over. Rumor has it he’s quite the cookie monster* and I do not like to share.
Before I go any further, the post before was all fiction (I can hear you sigh of relief all the way over here, L.A), it was pretty much a dream I had about him. It sounds pretty lame to admit that, haha.
Anyway, I decided t let him go, if nothing’s happened 5 years down the line, it’s not likely that anything will. He said he’s been in relationships too long; he wants to be single for a while and just be himself. My friends believed him. I scoffed at the line, it sounds like something straight out of “He’s Just Not That into You”. Translation: “I just wanna casually fuck as many girls as I can and dating you would only tie me down.” I’m rather well - versed with all the bullshit lines come up with when they don’t want to date you.
I won’t lie, I’m really bummed out, especially because he’d actually began to act like he gave a damn before all this came out. I guess he was just trying to get some more of my tasty treats.
So I’m back to whatever I was before he came back into my life. Single with very few prospects. Something I’m mot that great at. Ok, I lie; I have quite a few prospects, but they’re either too young, not attractive, just plain weird, or (and I shit you not) think they might be bisexual. Lol. There is one guy I’m slightly interested in though; he falls in the younger than me category but he’s mature enough, makes me laugh, and seems interested too. Let’s call him T.D.H (Tall, Dark and Handsome). I’ll keep you posted!

*1. a person with an insatiable sexual appetite.
2. nymphomaniac
3. man-whore
1. Mike did all types of groupies when the band was together. He was a complete cookie monster.
2. Since Cheryl has admitted to being a lesbian she has become a total cookie monster to make up for the past 24 years.

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me"

“Come with me.”
I raised my eyebrow and looked up at him, “what?”
“Come with me, come home with me.”
I laughed, “You do realize I have to be home tomorrow right?”
“Yeah, tomorrow, that’s still a long way away. Come with me,” he asked again as he gently squeezed my arm.
I chewed on the end of my straw as I though about it. There’s no question that I wanted to go with him, but I had to be sensible about things, I didn’t want to one night him and end up pining over him for another month. But I’d had a lousy day; playing fifth wheel on Valentine’s Day wasn’t exactly my idea of fun. I love Zoe and Mel and their boyfriends were good company but playing the role of the single tag – along was less than thrilling. The only good thing that had come out of it is that I got to see him. And they’d both left me there, no doubt to do the do with their respective boyfriends… Didn’t I deserve to be with someone I cared for as well? My mum didn’t expect me back home until the next morning anyway, I could go to his house and leave in the morning.
No Rae!! You are not pulling the one night stand and walk of shame routine again!!!
“Rae?”
“Sorry, I was just thinking about it. I don’t know Nick; I don’t think it’s a good idea…”
His face fell. “I know after last time I said I just wanted us to be casual but I’ve changed my mind, I want to be with you Rae. That’s the only reason I came out tonight, you know this isn’t my scene, I was running around all day trying to figure out where you’d be, I had to see you.”
He lifted my chin so he could look me in the eye.
“Come with me Rae, please… let’s put and end to all these games and just be… together…”
His brown eyes were staring intently into mine, he was biting his full, juicy lip ever so slightly, his intoxicating scent filled my nose and his touch on my arm gave me goose bumps… and that speech, he who was so afraid to show emotion just poured his heart out…
“Okay.” I said, almost a whisper.
He pulled me in and kissed my forehead. He bent to kiss me, and I tiptoed to meet his lips. He paid for our drinks and we left, his arm around my waist. He opened the door for me and I got into his car. My head was swirling, I still wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision, but all I knew for sure is that I wanted to be with him.
Before I knew it, we were at his place. He could tell I was nervous so he offered me some wine to take the edge off. I nodded and he brought a bottle and two glasses. He stopped on the way to turn on his stereo. John Mayer, my favorite.
“We don’t have to do anything tonight you know… and I could take you home if you want, you seem uneasy.”
I looked up to see him gazing intently at me, a concerned look on his face and frown lines on his forehead.
“No, I’m fine,” I said, and kissed him to reassure him.
Relax Rae, you’re here now, you might as well enjoy it, I chided myself.
I drained the contents of my glass and with it my anxiety was washed away. I kissed him again, more passionately this time, running my hand along the back of his neck.
He pulled me towards and under him, kissing me deeply, making my skin tingle and my loins ache for him. I slipped my hand under his shirt, feeling his lean, toned body, running my fingertips down the small of his back. He took his shirt off and mine too. I gasped as he cupped my breast and squeezed it gently, and let out a moan when he freed my nipple and tenderly nibbled and sucked it.
I could feel his hardness on my thigh, and I could feel myself getting wetter. I rolled him over and continued to kiss him, moving slowly down his chest, down his abs, all the while unbuttoning his jeans. Then I stopped and got up.
“Damn Rae, it’s not fair to tease me like that.”
I giggled and began walking seductively to his room, taking my bra off and letting it fall to the floor…

Must… resist… temptation…

So I had this great plan to drama – tox and simplify my life. But the other plan I hadn’t quite told anyone was, while drama – toxing which included resisting temptation i.e. Seximus Prime, to make him miss me. And it worked. But now what?
After my little bedroom mishap, he decided he wanted things to be causal between us. Which, even though I was really bummed out about, I had to agree to because I was embarrassed enough already, having put myself out there and not getting the response I wanted. So things have been casual between us. No casual sex though, just friendly casual.
At first it was a bit awkward, what with me having practically poured my heart out to him and him crushing it… again… pretty much the same thing happened in high school; it was like having the same bad dream over again *shudder*. After we got past the awkwardness though, we were back to normal. In fact, we were so cool that he even began to tell me about this girl that he liked. Yeah, real smooth… and that’s when it hit me, I must get over him before I fall any further and end up in my destructive post – heartbreak phase. My friends on the other hand felt differently, they insisted that he did feel something for me but I had bruised his ego. That got me thinking and I then hatched my great plan to disappear for a while and then see if he’d miss me.
I saw him yesterday. My plan had worked brilliantly. He wouldn’t take his eyes off me, or his hands. Now don’t worry L.A, I didn’t relapse, all we did was talk… he said he’d missed me, asked where I’d been, told me how hot I looked… that’s not all I wanted to do though, I couldn’t even hold eye contact because of the suggestive glint in his eye, I couldn’t take my eyes off his sensual lips and his soft pink tongue as he occasionally ran it across them… the hardness of his body pressed against mine when he hugged me, his warm breath on the nape of my neck, his lips on my cheek when he greeted me with a light peck… his hands running down my arms and the small of my back as we talked… the tight squeeze as he tried to convince me not to leave…
But leave I did, partly because I didn’t know what the next step in the plan was, and partly because I was still sticking to the plan. You would not believe the amount of willpower it took.
My problem now is this… I don’t know what happens next, and I only see one inevitable end… relapse…