Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto

Have you ever had a sexual encounter that made you consider secondary virginity? I have, this one guy was enough to make me flee into a nunnery.

Ok, I’m exaggerating but really, it was bad!

There’s a list of mistakes men make in bed that I saw on facebook. I laughed as I read the list because I could identify with a bunch of them. Squeezing breasts, biting or twiddling nipples, going too fast/ hard, nudging her head down… the list was pretty long.

This guy made a bunch of these mistakes…

GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

But the one that got me the most…

NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH: it may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s most likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

First of all, hahahahahahaha! that description killed me!

Second of all, I have never in my life been so bored during sex. He was like the energizer bunny, but not in a good way. He just kept going, and going, and going, and going… he was like a freakin sex robot sent to destroy my delicates!

He made me question myself. I’m a good lay; I’m not just saying that, I have references. But even after loads of foreplay, almost two hours of playing contact sports, and a countless positions, he was not even about to finish. I was fed up, I felt numb and I was bored and exhausted. I mumbled something about having an early morning the next day and told him to wake me up when his cab got there. I grabbed a blanket and pretended to be asleep while he watched TV. I contemplated handing him some lotion and tissue so he could help himself out (Hey, I’m nice like that, I don’t wanna be the cause of his blue balls!) but I didn’t feel like I could walk. And again, not in the good way.

I’d rather have a premature finisher than one who doesn’t finish at all.

So, what’s your worst sexual experience?

Spanking the Monkey...

I’ve heard tons of other names for this; yellow paging, tickling the turkey, rubbing one out, taking the sausage hostage, burping the worm, stroking the bean, visiting Rosie Palm and her five lonely daughters… (well, you catch my drift), but spanking the monkey always puts a smile on my face. Lol.
I hadn’t tried it until recently, I guess I’m a bit of a prude in some way, but after a couple of steamy conversations with C.G, and me not having an outlet for all that energy, he persuaded me to try.
First thing I realized is that I wasn’t as informed about my intimate bits as I thought I was. I had to get a yellow paging crash course from a guy. And here I was thinking I was one of the most knowledgeable of all my friends. Anyway, having lost my pride and realizing I didn’t have much else to lose; I swallowed my pride and gave it a try.
Second thing I realized is that I have control issues of some sort. I thought my aversion to head was shyness or nervousness but I realized I just don’t like not being in control. I don’t mind giving head, but I’m not cool with getting it. How did I discover my control issues through yellow paging? I couldn’t let go enough to give myself a happy ending. I went through all that and I couldn’t even finish myself off? Balls…
Third thing I realized, I could never make it a habit. Forget not getting my happy ending, I got there eventually, but there’s nothing that can substitute sex for me. It’s been months (and counting) since I got any but after sex chat with C.G came to an end, I haven’t tickled my cherry, or felt the urge to. I can’t be assed. I know guys can do it pretty much on the daily, but do girls get addicted too?
Fourth thing I realized, I really need to get me some action!! Any volunteers…? ;)

CHUCK LORRE VANITY CARDS,-#260, FASHION TRENDS

Dead is the new unambiguous. Bipolar is the new undecided. Heavily armed is the new born again. Bald is the new head… and the new crotch. Hairy is the new face. Sheepishly admitting to having an STD is the new flirting. Purell is the new face of fear. Finding the time that’s right for you is the new impotence. The smiley face emoticon is the new “sincerely yours”. Smoking is the new outdoorsy lifestyle. Looking forward to insanely expensive private schooling, thousand dollar a week nannies and soccer is the new yuppie birth control. Misinformed is the new patriotic. Veganism is the new “tastes like chicken”. Serotonin uptake inhibiting is the new crowd control. Texting is the new talking. Talking is the new singing. Singing is the new hubris. Gay marriage is the new “be careful what you wish for”. And finally, only because I (Chuck Lorre) really need this to catch on, fifty – seven years old is the new forty – five.