Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto

Have you ever had a sexual encounter that made you consider secondary virginity? I have, this one guy was enough to make me flee into a nunnery.

Ok, I’m exaggerating but really, it was bad!

There’s a list of mistakes men make in bed that I saw on facebook. I laughed as I read the list because I could identify with a bunch of them. Squeezing breasts, biting or twiddling nipples, going too fast/ hard, nudging her head down… the list was pretty long.

This guy made a bunch of these mistakes…

GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

But the one that got me the most…

NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH: it may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s most likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

First of all, hahahahahahaha! that description killed me!

Second of all, I have never in my life been so bored during sex. He was like the energizer bunny, but not in a good way. He just kept going, and going, and going, and going… he was like a freakin sex robot sent to destroy my delicates!

He made me question myself. I’m a good lay; I’m not just saying that, I have references. But even after loads of foreplay, almost two hours of playing contact sports, and a countless positions, he was not even about to finish. I was fed up, I felt numb and I was bored and exhausted. I mumbled something about having an early morning the next day and told him to wake me up when his cab got there. I grabbed a blanket and pretended to be asleep while he watched TV. I contemplated handing him some lotion and tissue so he could help himself out (Hey, I’m nice like that, I don’t wanna be the cause of his blue balls!) but I didn’t feel like I could walk. And again, not in the good way.

I’d rather have a premature finisher than one who doesn’t finish at all.

So, what’s your worst sexual experience?