Melting...

“You know what they say about guitarist’s fingers right? They’re really skilled,” he said with a cheeky smile and then kissed me.
I giggled, I’d been doing a lot of that the whole time we were tangled in each other’s limbs, skin on skin; other stuff in other stuff… my whole body was in tune with his, electricity surging through both of us. The whole house was our playground; the shower, the floor, the kitchen, the balcony, and boy did we play.
Later on, cuddling in bed, he tilts my forehead, looks into my eyes, “you have the most beautiful eyes; sexy and playful but there’s still enough innocence left in them.” I blush again, rub my nose against his.
“You’re amazing,” he says, “why didn’t I meet you sooner?” this time I kiss him, eyes closed because they would betray how I’m feeling, they would betray my heart, and I’m still deathly scared of getting hurt.
“You’re pretty amazing yourself babe,” I just barely manage to say. Just barely because he’s kissing my neck again. Light, sensual kisses, awakening my core, I feel a familiar wetness between my legs and I bite my lip. Here we go again…
He’s on top; I’m on top, the headboard crashes into the wall. His body speaks to mine and mine responds; I bite his shoulder to keep a scream in because I’m sure by now the neighbors are tired of hearing our lovemaking. He sucks one nipple, gently pinches the other. I dig my hands into his back and he thrusts deeper. A bead of sweat drips off his forehead, I watch as it makes its way through the dried up river bed that is my cleavage. Everything we do is art, every sound we make is music, and the way our bodies fit together is poetry.
He stops me and I panic, “what’s wrong?” he looks into my eyes, kisses my forehead, “nothing’s wrong, I just want to savor this, I want to make love to you, this isn’t just about fucking.”
Oh shit, is that a balancing tear that I feel? I look away, kiss his shoulder. “I’m not going to hurt you babe, I promise. That had better be a happy tear I see.”
I look up and he’s frowning at me. I kiss his frown lines, then his nose, then his lips. “It’s a happy tear. It’s definitely a happy tear.”
He kisses me, slow and deep, and starts up again, a slow rhythm. He holds my hands, watches my face as he pleases me, kisses me everywhere he can reach. Intense doesn’t begin to explain it, the spirituality about sex suddenly made sense to me. I am, most certainly, in heaven.

[now playing: Melting – Tristan Prettyman]

I'm In Love

and before you freak out about me being some over emotional psycho person, let me just say that it is not with the new guy in my life (although things are going really well *giggle*). i'm in love with good music. specifically Tristan Prettyman. she's amazing! she's dating Jason Mraz who is also one of my favourite artists and their style is more similar.. like if he was a girl, her music would be his.. does that make sense? =P
anyway,give her a listen,she's BRILLIANT =D

there's a lot to update you all on but time is something i do not have too much of these days =( i promise to get back to you soonest,miss me!! =) xo

lol, smiley face =)

Hello dear bloggers, it's the annoyingly happy version of me that you will have to bear with for a while now, a thousand apologies!
I hope you all had a fab weekend? Wait, how long has it been since I wrote? 9 days? Well I hope you’ve all had a fab 9 days, I know I have =)
I met a boy y’all... and he’s awesome, he plays guitar aswel but he’s nothing like Mr. Complications, he’s complication free and I’m loving it!! I’m not saying too much about this because, well, I don’t want to jinx it, but I AM taking things slow, and he doesn’t seem to be in any big rush either. We’re just getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company, and randomly kissing in the middle of conversations which I must say, I don’t think our mutual friends appreciate very much... It's not my fault he has the most amazing lips ;)hehe
I’m super whipped, it’s been a while since I was this excited about a boy who was equally as excited about me =) *happy sigh*
My love life aside, I'm back in uni and I'm hoping for an awesome, drama - free semester. Wish me luck!!xx

[listening to: Falling For You – Colbie Calliat]

la la la la la life is wonderful =)

ola =)
i haven’t blogged in a while, not to worry tho, I’ve just been rather busy with a lot f stuff; designing and sewing mostly, i’m getting better by the day =)
last time I was bitching (and with god reason) about my friends and the way they’ve been acting around me, I decided the simplest thing to do would be to calm down and take a wee break from them. So I hung out with my friend who I recently reconnected with after a 2 – year – long epic fight. And little did I know, that’s exactly what I needed =)
there will be no bitching in this blog post. No sad undertones of any kind. Dear readers, I am at peace =)
everything seems to be coming together at this point in time and I hope my saying this doesn’t jinx it but I’m soo fuckin stoked =D

[listening to: Angel of Mercy – One Republic]

I'm sorry, what now???

I had lunch with one of my friends who I hadn’t seen in a long while the other day, she’s more like my slightly older sister than a friend, she’s not afraid to keep it real with me even when she knows it’s going to hurt. We’ll call her M.
We were talking about anything under the sun, hook –ups, break – ups etc, when I got a text from one of the girls from my usual circle “it’s J’s birthday tomorrow, you should totally make it a special one for him ;)”.my expression changed and I threw my phone back in my bag. “What’s up?” asked M.

Now, in order for this story to make sense, I have to take y’all back in time a little bit.
J is the guy I’m moping about most of the time; we had a thing ages ago and it’s never really ended. He’s good friends with S’s boyfriend, the guy from the pool incident in Coast. So ever since S and F sorted out their love lives, they’ve kinda been pushing every Tom, Dick and Harry on me…
And we’re back…

M looked at the text, shrugged her shoulders, “So for how long have you been their Pity Project?”
“What??”
“You know what I’m talking about babe, they’re always trying to pimp you out, making you look like you’re desperate and shit.”
“Come on, you know it’s not like that,” I said in defense of my friends
“They make it look like you have a problem being single when it’s them that do”
You know that moment when you get smacked in the face with a universe sixed dose of reality? That was it. She had hit the proverbial nail on the head (I hate these cliché expressions that the Kenyan media overuse but I’m sorry, I had to indulge =P hehe). That’s why I’d been feeling off about hanging out with them, they’ve made me their Pity Project. Apparently their lives are all perfect and they feel the need to give back by helping their friend who is too lame to score a boyfriend off her own. WHAT THE FUCK???
“It’s either that or they’re uncomfortable with having a single friend hanging around them and their boyfriends.”
“Yeah, I get it M,” I said as I signaled the bartender that I was ready for my next shot.
Women, humph, I’m not sure where they get off deciding that I’m lonely or incapable of finding myself a significant other. And are we really friends if you can’t trust me around your boyfriends who by the way are not even close to my type?? Argh, I’m still so annoyed by all this! I just feel so…… misunderstood… and…. Pitied.. yuck!!
In case you’re wondering, I didn’t make J’s birthday a “special one ;)”, I turned my phone off for the whole weekend and hung out with the boys; at least they won’t try to hook me up with every cute guy they see =P

Kids These Days...

Wow, that sentence makes me feel ANCIENT!! But, you know, we’re not here to discuss my quarter – life – crisis, on to the purpose of this post…
It’s the summer holidays which means most of my friends who are abroad come back for the holidays, there are a million and one parties to attend and of course, that kids are out of school for three long months. Now that last one, I’m not feeling too great about. Why, you may ask? Because these annoying children fill up every spot that I enjoy hanging out at, they make my party experience weird and uncomfortable, and by the end of summer, I’m left asking “what in the hell happened to children these days?”
This weekend, I broke my summer party hiatus (I had resorted to nights in with the boys, a couple beers, and the PS3) because it was my friend’s birthday and she just HAD to go out. So we drove to the other side of the city to go to this big party that was going on. It was in one of the more established clubs that usually has a strict door policy; I had to use my older cousin’s ID to get in there before I was 21 =P but identity fraud aside, this club is usually very strict. Which is why when I was asked for my ID at the door, I didn’t even give my usual snide remark, I just smiled as I handed it over. We got our wristbands etc etc and walked in, sure that we would not be plagued by the mass of annoying, drunk children that usually pack our favorite haunts.
But boy were we wrong.
The club was packed, and I don’t mean that there were a lot of people, I mean that it was probably a serious health risk, seeing as there was hardly any oxygen left to breathe. Well, we had come such a long way so we were prepared to make the most of it. We ordered drinks and hit the dance floor, after all, the music was pretty awesome.
So we’re dancing and someone behind me kept elbowing me in the ribs. Clearly not a comfortable thing to endure so I turned around to ask them to stop. My eyes nearly popped out of my skull. Like literally. There was a couple behind me, the guy grabbing on the girl’s waist,, the girl pulling off some move I had seen in that Bend Over video (which by the way is just disgusting). Both of them didn’t look a day above 16, and I’m sure they weren’t. I pointed it out to my friends and we laughed about it and moved on. But within an hour, the number of couples I had seen doing the same thing was ridiculous. And it wasn’t just the dancing, I saw people who were years below me in high school in the bathroom snorting coke or popping pills, out in the car parks doing only what I can call some sort of dry humping that was highly disturbing. I saw many of them passed out on the floor, their wallets and cellphones long gone. And I just wondered, what the fuck is up with kids these days??
Let me tell you what I was doing at 16. Sure, I was a smoker, but even then kissing a boy was still a big deal. I’d already had my first few couple of drinks, but I knew that there was a line when it came to mind – altering substances, that weed was just at the line, and that it shouldn’t be crossed. I danced with boys, and sure, I understand the thrill that comes with wining on a guy blah blah blah but the simulated sex acts I saw on Saturday, even the makers of the video that spawned such dance moves would be scandalized. And sure, I’d kissed a few boys but the complicated love triangles I heard about in the ladies room made me appreciate just how boring my life can be. Then I wondered, where are these people’s parents?? Like where were they as these kids were growing up? Are they too busy trying to make a living that they don’t see what their children have become?? I for one know my mother struggled and worked crazy hours but as much as we took advantage of that, I knew what the boundaries were… sigh… I’m not even sure where exactly I’m going with this anymore but I think I just needed to vent a little bit because I was just horrified!!
Hopefully the next time I post I’ll be on to happier things =P
xx

Sleepless in the Savannah... wait, Kenya’s in the Savannah right?

10:46 pm
It’s Monday night... for some reason, I’ve had a really bad case of the “Monday Blues” today, spent most of it stoned… no, wait, I’ve been stoned since Friday so there’s no correlation between the Monday Blues and me being high… hehehe

10:52 pm
I think my internet is on her period; the connection keeps dying and coming back on every few minutes... Typical third world reliability.

11:35 pm
One sketch done… I’m not sure how I feel about it yet; it looks a bit undone…

12:13 am
I have a migraine… great… been watching Rock n Rolla, for the first time it’s not helping… sigh…

01:49 am
Why am I still awake? I just ate a shitload of cheesecake, I feel fat and disgusting =(

02:27 am
I’m getting sleepy =D it might just be the weed but I don’t mind, mama needs her beauty sleep!!

07:30 am
Mum woke me up to give me a list of stuff to do today. Here’s an idea mum, next time leave a note!!
Oh well, since I’m up… *walks to the balcony, lights a cigarette; uses it to light the stub of last night’s joint*
And inhale…… inhale….. Exhale….


This is very UN-PC but it cracked me up! Saw it on

Religions of the world:
Taoism: Shit happens
Hinduism: This Shit happened before
Islam: If Shit happens, take a hostage
Buddhism: When Shit happens is it really Shit?
7th Day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturday
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder
Catholics: If Shit happens, I deserve it
Jehovah’s Witnesses: Knock knock, Shit happens
Judaism: Why does Shit always happen to me?
Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama ding dong
Atheism: No Shit
T.V. Evangelism: Send more Shit
Rastafarianism: Let’s Smoke This Shit!

Global Warming, Carpe Diem and such like things...

What is the human obsession with knowing everything? Years and years are spent in research trying to unravel all the great mysteries of nature and our existence. Obscene amounts of money are poured into astral and archaeological excavations to try to gain insight into our past and future. The greatest concern being about the future of course, because we have no control over the past but may have a chance at determining what happens in the future. And thus the great question that has forever been in the minds of our species since the dawn of time, will the world come to an end?
The end of the world fad is not such a new thing, history books have it that right before the year 1000, people sold all their belongings to prepare for the apocalypse and built underground bunkers to save themselves from the impending doom. We all are familiar with the Y2K euphoria, and now there is yet another end of the world craze. Today, this fad is backed by celebrities, with blockbuster movies speculating on the exact way life as we know it shall come to an end. Is the end of the world fast approaching? Or is it all mass hysteria caused by our own insecurities and propelled by Hollywood?
Let’s take a look at the facts. Science, religion, and even nature show that the world is due for a drastic change in the near future. Global warming and the Greenhouse effect are to blame for a myriad of natural disasters, which only seem to be getting worse, threatening, and even almost wiping out populations. Tsunamis, earthquakes, landslides, volcanoes with superawesome lightning shooting out, floods… staying alive is in itself an accomplishment! Religion blames it on the apocalypse and judgment day, claiming that the sins of humankind have long angered God, and he is returning to take his chosen ones with him, leaving the sinners to perish, and the world to come to an end.
But if we look at the history of the earth, these warming and cooling periods have been happening since the beginning of the planet. Is it possible that global warming isn’t a threat to our existence but instead only the planet going through the motions as it has been forever? And, if the end of the planet is inevitable as research seems to suggest, are we just biding our time by investing in the so – called Green revolution?
Perhaps the biggest end of the world fad is the 2012 fad. The ancient Mayan civilization had a calendar, which they used to predict catastrophic events. This calendar is even said to have predicted the September 11th terrorist attacks in the United States, and the Tsunami. The calendar ends on a specific date, the 21st of December 2012, which leads historians to believe that the world ends on that date. But is this sufficient evidence? The Mayans are extinct; maybe they were unable to finish the calendar for that reason. Or maybe they just ran out of space? No one knows the real reason but speculation has run rampant, and most believe that the end of the world is fast upon us. Nostradamus has a similar prophecy, claiming the world will end on the same date.
The Green revolution, and the 2012 craze have affected almost every aspect of everyday life. There are eco – friendly variations of almost everything which cost more, but promise to elongate our stay on our already doomed planet. Fashion and entertainment have also gone green, with all our favorite celebrities joining or forming their own green campaign, and mindlessly sucking us in with them. This is perhaps the biggest fad in recent history!
I’m no Nostradamus, prophet, scientist or Mayan so I cannot claim to know when life as we know it will come to an end, but I will give you my two cents on these fads. Life is unpredictable, you may die crossing the road, or you may live to see the world come to an end. You’ll never know how your end is going to come. So live your life and be good to the planet, the rest is not in your hands.
xx

Random Rhymes...

This one was inspired by L.A, I sat down and typed whatever came to mind.. It's nowhere as good as his but well... it's been a while since i posted =P

Let my start by saying, I don’t usually roll this way
I’ve been there before, so far from other women’s men I stay
Then you came along, funny, sweet, and slightly eccentric
Just by standing next to me, you sparked something… electric,
So there I was, my mind was far, travelling
Wishing you’d hold me like that guitar, caressing
One look was all it took to spark my desires,
Late at night, hands down my pants, trying to quell the raging fire
You knew what I was thinking; you’d seen the look in my eye
And now you returned it, with that slow, sly smile
The torturing began, a touch here, a gentle brush across my thigh
Words whispered, translated into fantasies, your name I would sigh
We can’t say we didn’t see it coming
Your hands around my hips, a small scream escapes my lips
That’s the sound of me cumming
Hard
So now we’re trapped, the sex is too hot to let go
No judgment, we just like to do it, LMFAO
As long as you keep it TLC, you know, creep
And make sure when you’re with her, it’s not my name you’re saying in your sleep



Your feedback would be greatly appreciated
xx

Back In The Day

This post was inspired by Cuppatea's last post.. check him out on http://colourful-cuppatea.blogspot.com/

When I was in high school, all the girls were obsessed with being skinny… what am I saying? They still are! But for the purpose of moving on with this post, let’s stick to the highschool days.
Many a lunchtime would pass where some girls would only nibble at something, most opting not to eat, and some going the Mary – Kate route. I wasn’t in any of these categories; I was the odd one out, pigging out with the boys. I’d love to tell you that this was because I was confident about my body, but sadly, that is not the case.
I was skinny.
Painfully so.
Much unlike my counterparts, I was dying to put on weight, not to lose any. I was the stick – thin girl and save for my (already) large breasts, I pretty much looked like a boy.
I wore baggy pants because I thought they would somehow mask my skinny legs. I even wore shorts on the inside to give the appearance of wider hips and a more curvaceous ass. I tried everything, even investing in a few very impractical white pairs of jeans!
But nothing doing.
And so I resorted to my last defense, making fun of my boyish shape… well, boobs aside =P

Then came boarding school for my A levels, mother dearest thought it would be prudent to send me to another country... so off I went... and with it all came a whole new bag of insecurities…
See the girls in this country… voluptuous would be an understatement! And so I began to pig out on everything and anything. unfortunately for me, boarding school food isn’t prepared with the healthy type of oil and well, let’s just say I became more appley than peary…
Then I did something that I am very ashamed of; I pulled Mary – Kate y’all! I started throwing up when I ate and starving myself until I couldn’t stand it… and 15 minutes later I was back in the bathroom; fingers down my throat. It got so bad that I passed out once during a school assembly. I don’t know what was more embarrassing, the fainting or my pants almost falling off as they carried my off to the sick bay…
With age comes wisdom (well, usually…) and I realized that my body was mine forever and I would eventually have to accept it for what it was. And so I did. I even embraced my tiger – like stretch marks on my butt and stopped wearing shorts with my bikinis =)
I recently put on about 5kgs and I’m loving it! My hips and ass are rounder and I couldn’t be happier!
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have days where I felt fat or ugly, but surprisingly, they are less and less common. And I think that’s because I have learned to love and accept myself. And that ladies and gentlemen (brace yourselves for an über cliché line) is the greatest gift you can give yourself…
Jheez, that last line was horrible, the weed must be eating away at my brain already =D
xox

Oh shit, I’m falling for him…
Ask me how I know already? Because he cancelled plans that we’d made as a group and I instantly began to sulk.
Sounds silly, I know, but I’m not much of a sulker and as you can tell from my previous posts, I only get upset when I really like someone…
Which brings me to another yummy boy but that is a story for a more sober, more focused version of me to tell…
Sigh, I should’ve seen this coming, but now it’s time to stop it before it gets worse…

That being said, everything else is going great, I’m making headway with my initial project and even bigger things coming my way =)
This time I really can’t tell at all until it’s finalized.. sorry L.A, that means you too…
Will try get that other story in soon, I’ve been swamped!
xx

Defying Gravity

When I took the semester off,everyone told me what a huge mistake i was making.
To them I say,I'd rather do something that I'm passionate about then go through the motions; getting a degree, getting a job, doing my masters...
I've always been one to follow my heart, I'm not going to stop now.
I'm so happy i have a headache,lol...
Here's to dreams coming true! (=

[I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!]

Complications...

I love artists, something about them using their talent to make other people feel good. Especially musicians, the tortured artist kind, just him and his guitar, accompanied by a husky imperfect voice…
Something about the way they caress their guitars and make them weep… Fast, strong fingers… Something about the way their slightly rough hands feel against my soft skin…
Musicians are sexy, one of my biggest weaknesses…

He’s friends with my brothers, with me; he’s one of the boys. But I can’t help myself, I look at him and I go weak in the knees. And he’s noticed. That’s how he knew I would kiss him back if he tried; he caught me staring once and saw it written all over my face…
It’s a bit wrong though, he IS one of the boys…
No one suspects a thing; my mum even lets him sleep over… Those are the best nights; we wake up in the middle of the night and make out in my room. We leave the bathroom light on in case someone wakes up because they’ll assume he’s in there…
Sometimes we just cuddle; I love how his body feels against mine. Hard, fit body, his manly cologne, surprisingly soft really warm skin… I love how tiny and protected I feel in his arms… I love how his skin is always really hot and mine is always really cold…
I love how he grabs me and pushes me against the wall when no one's in the room, kissing me hungrily and running his hands all over my body...
All it takes is one touch and I feel the familiar strain in my thighs. It’s torture when we’re not alone because I always just want to rip his clothes off and stare at his sexy body.
He’s lean and fit and has a chiseled torso…
He’s amazingly sweet, he listens to me even when I’m rambling and he does sweet things for me all the time… he makes me smile (=
He also, dear bloggers, has a girlfriend…
Sigh…

[Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly,
With his song, telling my whole life.
With his words,
Killing me softly,
With his song]

WOZA 2010

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, June 11th is here!! World cup day!! First time in Africa, I honestly didn't think I'd live to see the day!!
I'm so pumped up, I don't know what to do with myself!!
Watching the teams arrive, I wished we had PVR so i could watch those fine ass men walk in slow motion ;) hehe
Anyone seen last month's Vanity Fair? yummmmmmy!!!
Just under 7 hours and counting...goooo France!! And all the African teams! (=


[listening to: Waving Flag - K'naan]
if you ask me,that's the real world cup song

Happy Blogday To Me (=

It’s been a year since I started this blog, I can remember the day I did clearly in my mind (which is surprising considering all the weed I’ve smoked since =P hehe..) I was in my room, furious with life, listening to The Funeral by Band of Horses and chatting with my best friend.
“Man, I’m just so bummed out right now...”
“What’s wrong?”
“That’s the thing, I have no idea, I’m just upset and angry and I can’t talk about it...”
“So write about it...”
The rest, as they say, is history…

It’s been an awesome year though, thanks for reading (all 5 of you, lol) and I hope you keep reading (=
xo

*this one doesn't have a name*

And Hansel said to Gretel: “Let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.” This year I lost my way.
That’s a line from One Tree Hill. It rings true for me though. I have lost my way. I have lost my passion. I have lost all the things that mean so much to me.
I have lost myself.
I didn’t want to admit it to myself, much less to anyone else. But I had to. Because admittance is the first step to recovery right?
And so, after a week spent in a drunken and/or stoned stupor, I managed to epiphanize (that’s not a word is it?). I’m withdrawing from my courses for the sem, who knows, maybe I won’t even be back next sem. I’m going to find myself again, do all the things that make me happy.
Write.
Sew.
Paint.
Play on the swings at my grandma’s house and remember what it’s like to be a child again.
Discover new music.
Rediscover old time favourites.
Relearn the monologue at the beginning of Rock and Rolla…
I’m going to find my way before I get even more lost. And sure, there’s probably an evil witch lurking somewhere in this forest that is life, waiting to eat me up. But that’s the best part about fairy tales; everyone lives happily ever after in the end =)
Except the bad guys.
They just die tragic deaths and go to fairy tale hell =P
xx

[listening to: Eet - Regina Spektor

Another One of Those Random Posts =)

A quick glance around any room and majority of the people are using their cellphones, have them in their hands, or on their table, staring at them as though willing them to ring. For some, you may even think the cellphone is an extension of themselves, a now useful vestigial limb if you will. I love my cellphone, a fact that my worn out keypads and huge phone bills can attest to, but is this handy little gadget really that great?
Think about it, people were perfectly happy without cellphones. There were no embarrassingly loud ringtones that disrupt meetings, church services or even funerals. No annoying text messages with an endless stream of acronyms that read “omg, I cnt bliv tht, 2 awsm.kmp, ttyl.xoxo” and the greatly misused “lol”. You were never stuck in a lift or bus with someone who was screaming into their phone, absolutely oblivious that it has a microphone and they only have to speak at their normal tone. But most of all, you would never have to feel lonely or forgotten or rejected when your cellphone doesn’t ring all day or that cute guy/ girl didn’t call or text message you.
While cellphones are a necessary evil; they do come in handy in emergency situations and it is nice to know that it takes only a few seconds to reach a loved one; I think their disadvantages far outweigh their advantages. Infidelity is made so much easier now that all one has to do is send a text message to plan an adulterous liaison and the evidence can disappear with the simple deleting of said message. These days, all a suspecting partner has to do is check their significant other’s messages or call records (for the sloppy ones of course) and within minutes, years of love and happiness are down the drain. In the pre – cellphone era, one would never find out and continue in their happy oblivious existence. Ignorance is bliss, believe me. It has also become much easier to gossip or spread rumors. All one has to do is send a mass text. With the ridiculously low charges, who could resist?
Gone are the days when people used to talk and conversations were meaningful. Now everyone has a cellphone and human interaction has declined. Friends used to meet and have lunch and talk at length about anything and catch up on their lives. Now all one has to do to find out how their friends are doing is call, or send a text message. People still meet and talk face to face but more often than not, the conversation is interrupted by phone calls or messages from other parties. In extreme cases, the conversation is the interruption as some people seem to have their cellphones permanently at hand.
The obsession with knowing what one is doing at any given moment has gone wildly out of control. I believe there is nothing wrong with having some time to oneself without the constant intrusion of phone calls and messages. For goodness sake, turn off your phone every once in a while! People are thrown into such a frenzy when their cellphone’s battery dies out, you’d think they’d just lost their pet.
Holiday wishes, birthday greetings and condolences are increasingly sent via text. I guess these days nothing reflects one’s feelings quite like a text that says “m sry 4 ua loss,txt me f u nd nythn”. Hallmark must be operating at a loss. While the sentiments may be sincere, taking the time to write a letter or send a card shows true effort and shows that the person really was in your thoughts. A personalized greeting always counts for more, and lasts a lot longer than your limited phone storage capacity.
I would love to continue with my musings but alas, I have to go. I’ve got a ton of text messages and phone calls to return!

I'm a fake...

Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die;
I'm not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.
Love is not like anything,
Especially a fucking knife!

Pavlove

I had a dream the other night, and it was a really trippy one. Which is weird because I hadn’t smoked up or taken any medicines in a while. But regardless, here I was having this super psychedelic dream, and I woke up to an epiphany. Allow me to elaborate.
In my dream, I was at a techno rave. In the middle of like a platform with candles all around it. And I was having sex with this incredibly fine dreadlocked man. Now I know that I don’t particularly have any exhibitionist tendencies so that was quite strange. Then the other thing, yummy Mr. Dreadlocks was a complete stranger. Someone I have never seen ever. What’s weirder? This is not the first time I have had a dream about having sex with a stranger; it happens a lot of the time. In this dream, however, the sex was like a spiritual experience. Like we were on an altar and it wasn’t just sex, it was like an honest – to – God pure, spiritual act. And as we got closer to climax, the emotions intensified and I knew that I needed to just let go but some part of me wouldn’t let me. And all of a sudden I began to feel ashamed and I slipped out of that dream into another.
In my second dream, I was a white woman. Yes, please believe. And not just any white woman, I was so Stepford, it was ridiculous. Think Britney’s alter – ego in her If You Seek Amy video; pie – baking, not a hair out of place, prim and proper, blushing at the mere mention of sex. Considering the dream I had before, this was strange. So I slipped out of this dream and jumped into another.
I was on a shrink’s couch, and I was hypnotized or something. And I could see myself, like it was an out – of – body experience or something. And I could see us talking, but I couldn’t hear anything. And then like someone had popped a bubble, I could suddenly hear the conversation.
“Why do you repress your sexuality? Why is sex so shameful for you?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I need to go back in time.”
And then I woke up.

I’m a big believer in that dreams are trying to tell us something, and obviously my unconscious is trying to give me a heads up about something that’s important to who I am now.
I’m not sure I want to delve into the past though.
Sigh…

Rom Com = Rom Con

Boy meets girl. Boy falls for girl. Boy fights for girl and despite numerous challenges (they’re from different social/ financial backgrounds, he/she screws up majorly, blah blah blah…) they find a way to be together. Because in the all – too – perfect world of romantic comedies, love prevails.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to drop some knowledge on you: this is all one big con. A money – making ploy by Hollywood, Hallmark and the flower and confectionery industries to tug at our heartstrings, and force us to cough up millions in an attempt to win that “special” someone.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong believer in love, and in an ideal world, everyone would have their own little rom – com going on. But the world is not ideal and, to quote one of these multi – million franchises, most of us are the rule, not the exception.
So we don’t always end up with “the one”, there are rarely ever these grand gestures of love like rooms full of roses and people belting out ballads in the rain accompanied by badly tuned stereos (isn’t that a mild electric shock waiting to happen?), people running through the airport with a last minute ticket purchased to get through security so they can stop the person they love from leaving with the “wrong” person, the startling confessions of love that make us reach for the tissues and make that ugly half – smiling, half- -crying face… well, you catch my drift… The sad fact is that life is severely underwhelming in comparison, and these movies do nothing but mislead those of us who are foolish enough to buy into them. Woe unto the suckers who decide to date said foolish women, for they shall find themselves competing with sparkly vampires and other such icons of foolish love, a battle which no mere mortal without the help of lights, HD cameras, a possible award – winning script, and years of production and fine – tuning, can win.
Wow, don’t I sound like the bitter bitch! Totally not my intention, I was just thinking, these movies put men (and women, sometimes) on ridiculous pedestals. I believe in soulmates and that there is someone for each of us out there. And the funny thing about soulmates is, we may not always get exactly what we want, but we most definitely get exactly what we need… methinks God/ the Universe/ whatever or whoever you choose to believe in has a great sense of humor…and with that dear bloggers, I am putting the Universe out of its misery, and retracting my previous list of outrageous demands… well, most of them ;)

Oops, I did it again…

Hi, my name is _____ and I’m a drama – holic. I’m not even sure that’s the right word; methinks I suffer from temporary insanity. And the catalyst? Seximus Prime… I though I was done with him but clearly I’m not.
I saw him on Thursday, hadn’t seen him in a while sot we were catching up. Time flew faster than I realized and I was still at uni, more than an hour’s drive from my house. So he suggested that I stay. I went outside to talk it through with my mum and she was cool. So I walk back inside to look for him and he’s nowhere in sight. So I call him. He says he’s left. Where is he? At a friend’s place. And there’s no room for me to sleep over. Great.
Long story short, I stayed at a friend’s house. And I’m still kicking myself for letting him back in.
And for letting him know he still has a hold on me.
Sigh, I don’t know why I do this to myself.

On a happier note, I’m done with my exams and now I have time to start on something I’ve been thinking about in a while. Perfect distraction while I sift through the nonsense that is my brain…

Ready For Love...

Before I begin, isn’t this like the best song ever? Well, maybe not ever, but it is pretty awesome. And just for the record, I’m talking about the India. Arie one, not the one by Bad Company or Cascada.
I think I’m ready for love. Now I know what you’re thinking L.A, you’re like whoa, slow down there horsie!, but let me explain. I don’t mean that I’m ready to jump into something really deep right now, just that I’m ready to love again, and to be loved. And when I meet someone that I think is going to be worth my time, I'm going to ever – so – slowly ease into things and let love happen if it’s meant to.
I haven’t read The Secret so I’m not so sure how this Power of Attraction thing works but I think it has something about telling the universe exactly what you want. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong, I can’t be assed to Google it… but for the purpose of this post and my current train of thought, let’s just go with what I said.
So listen up Universe, this is what I want!
I want a man who will treat me with absolute respect; I’m tired of taking shit from guys.
I want a man who will laugh at my jokes… even the really dumb ones… especially the really dumb ones.
I want a man who will appreciate the music that I love. I’m not asking him to love it, just to appreciate it.
I want a man who can quote my favorite lyrics to me.
I want a man who I can sit with in silence and there’s no awkwardness.
I want a man who I can talk to for hours non – stop. About everything and nothing.
I want a man to kiss in the rain.
I want a man with lips that beg me to kiss them… thick, juicy lips… like Jeremih… yum =)
I want a man to go on walks with; our hands in each other’s back pockets.
I want a man who smells real good. The kind of guy who makes me want to jump his bones just by catching a whiff of his cologne.
I want a man who is much taller than I am. But I’ll settle for just slightly taller than me when I’m in my 6 – inch heels =)
While I’m on that point, I want a man with a sexy body. I don’t mean washboard abs but a nice, tight body would be appreciated… and nice arms… and thighs… ;)
I want a man who will inspire me to paint like I used to.
I want a man who I will want to write soppy poetry about. I haven’t had that in a long while.
I want a man who will make fun of all my little strange habits but love me for them anyway.
I want a man who will get along with my family. Especially my mum… and my brothers.
I want a man who will be completely honest with me, even though the truth might hurt me.
I want a man who will understand when I turn into a bitch every 28 days or so.
I want a man who would sit through all my favorite movies over and over even though he doesn’t care much for them, but just because he knows how much I love them… like Grease… especially Grease…
I want a man who will make me feel like I’m discovering love for the first time…

Hold up Universe, I’ve got finals to read for, can I get back to you when I’m done?
P.S: I want to pass my finals!

…Lately I’ve been thinking
Maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I’ll say the same thing…

3 Days and Counting

It’s funny how different people’s opinions of the same event can be. To him it was a romantic kiss that was the highlight of their date; to her it was an assault on her mouth led by his lips and quickly followed by his tongue. To him, it was about getting to spend as much time with her as he could because after all, they really liked each other right? To her and all her friends, it was concerning stalkerish behavior. To him, it was the worst day he’d had in a while, when she publicly told him to leave her alone and divulged details about him that were supposed to only be between them. To her… it was the worst day she’d had in a while, she utterly humiliated him and after reveling in her short – lived triumph, realized just how much she felt for him, and how much she would miss him.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, I’m just hoping I’ll have a point by the time I’m done…
Wait, I think I know what I’m trying to get at… people take things for granted, take other people for granted, and once that thing or person disappears, they realize just how important they were. Why can’t we just appreciate people while they’re around, instead of only recognizing how great they were after they’ve gone?
Ok, shit, I’ve lost my point again…
Maybe I don’t have a point… maybe I’m just letting my fingers roam on the keyboard in the hopes that I will unload whatever it is that’s been keeping me awake and restless, whatever it is that’s to blame for the 3 days and counting (actually it's been longer but "3 days and counting sounds cooler) migraine that I have, whatever it is that’s turned me into an emotional mess, whatever it is that’s keeping me from functioning as a normal human being… well, as normal as I can be…
xoxo
[listening to: Dear You – Josh Auer]

Random Life Update...

It’s been a while since I wrote last. Not because I haven’t had anything to say; I just haven’t had the words to say it.
The coast trip was fun, only one of the boyfriends showed up but that didn’t seem to help my situation. Everyone was über hormonal and so it was a rather tense trip all round. One friend was mad because her boyfriend didn’t show up; an inevitable situation for him because his future was at stake, but one that led to their breaking up a few days prior because she couldn’t control her estrogen levels. The other friend was moody because her boyfriend couldn’t make it for work reason aswel. He eventually did make it, surprising her on our last night there but then she channeled her hormonal outbursts at me, getting angry because I was left alone in the pool with him. Before you let your mind wander, let me clarify that I have never been attracted to him in any way, shape, or form, and that our conversation was mostly him telling off about my poor dating decisions, and me trying to calm him down because he was mad at said girlfriend because she snuck off to smoke and lied to him about it. So back to the pool scenario, she came to offer us a drink, enquiring if we would like a condom aswel. She calmed down eventually, but I’m still bitter about that… the friend who came with her boyfriend did not spare us from her hormones either; she had a huge row with him, something about him smoking pot without her consent and her punching the wall in anger… I was only half listening…
I must say, if this is what relationships are all about these days, I’m quite happy to be single!
The trip wasn’t all hormones and no fun; we did manage to squeeze some fun in there somewhere. Loads of rounds of Ring of Fire, in which I managed to draw the K more times than everyone else, a case of champagne, almost ten bottles of vodka, 14 packs of cigarettes, a few baggies of shash, 5 very vicious bikini tans, loads of Ramen noodles and sausages… ummm, I don’t remember much else…
I have to run, my break is over and I’ve got loads of work to do… later people!xx

Blah blah blah...

Exhausted…
If I could sum up my current state of being in one word, that would be it. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted.
Uni is a drag, my love life non – existent, and my brain feels like mush already, only three months into the year… I guess it’s a good thing then that I’m getting a break; one of my best friends has her birthday on Friday so we’re roadtrippping down to the coast for some sun, sand, and binge drinking. I know what you’re thinking, such along trip will surely make me only more fatigued, and the drinking will kill many brain cells that would otherwise be needed for mental rejuvenation… at least my emotions will get a rest right?
Wrong, my friends are bringing their boyfriends along; exactly what I need, being a fifth wheel far, far away from home with no escape and no fling for those drunken intimacy cravings… well this is bound to be good…
Brace yourselves people, here comes a sincere confession that no one else has heard and I dare not say out loud…
I’m lonely.
I miss being in a relationship with someone.
I feel like there’s something wrong with me that drives guys away.
Believe it or not, that took me forever to type.
There, I said it, I’m supposed to feel better now right? Wrong! My reflection in the mirror still has her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead… nice…

Airhead Quotes

If my friends and I were in a movie, we’d definitely be cast as the popular, dumb blondes. Dumb we are not, but that’s what most people think about us. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t think before we speak and that doesn’t help to change this stereotype. So here are some exceptionally silly moments we’ve had recently… because everyone needs a good laugh once in a while!

Guy Friend: “You realize when you shoot pool; all the guys can’t wait til it’s your turn so they can sneak a peek down your shirt? Not that I’m complaining, I enjoy the view…”
Me: “Haha, my breasts are like a talent… like being a musician; I share them with other people to make them happy…”

Close Friend: “Shit, I just hurt my toe!”
Me: “Sorry babe, which one?”
Close Friend: “The third one.”
Me: “From the left or right..?”

Me: “What would you do if you gave birth and the baby looked nothing like your husband?”
Close Friend: “If that ever happens I’ll totally blame him!!”

Me: “I’m the most gullible person ever!”
T.D.H: “Did you know the word gullible doesn’t exist in the dictionary?”
Me: “Really..??”

Me: “So who are you supporting for the World Cup? I’m thinking France or Germany…”
Close Friend: “My favorite team obviously… Barcelona!”

Me: “The F.B.I are so rude with the way they go into people’s homes uninvited; you’d think once in a while they’d be all “excusez – moi” and “s’il vous plait”!!”
Older Brother: “And why exactly would they say that?”
Me:”Because they’re French duh! What do you think the F stands for?”
Older Brother (dying of laughter): “No you dumbass, it stand for Federal!”
Me: “That makes so much sense! I knew their American accents were too perfect!!”

*Playing Animal Kingdom*
Me: “What do you have for C?”
Friend: “Category?”
Me: “Food”
Friend: “Camel pie
Me: “Hahahahaha, that so doesn’t count!”
Friend: “Why not?”
Me: “Because dumbass, there’s no sockets in the desert!”
Friend: “???”
Me: “How are you going to bake with no sockets??”

7 Minutes in Heaven

He licked his lips and then slowly parted them to reveal that lazy smile that I love so much, all the while his eyes fixed on mine. He raised his eyebrow, a cheeky glint in his eye. I felt a tingle run up my back… Sweet Jesus, the things he could do to me just by looking at me…
My eyes wandered down to his lips, full and soft, begging to be kissed. I bit my lip, fighting the fire that raged inside me; fighting the urge to press my lips against his, to taste the warmth of his mouth, to feel his body against mine, to have those wonderful masculine hands run all over my body, exploring, stroking, caressing…
He leaned in closer; the scent of his cologne was overpowering; filling my nostrils and adding fuel to the fire. The air between us was hot and thick, and I felt my breaths get shorter and deeper. I felt my legs uncross themselves; the heat was too much to bear. I tried to cross one over the other but they felt heavy… or just unwilling… his eyes were still on mine, I tried to be calm so as not to betray what I was really feeling. Eventually my legs cooperated; I lifted my left leg and made to cross it over my right…
I felt his warm hand on my blazing thigh as he stopped me from crossing my legs and he leaned even closer forward. Another violent tingle went through my body, and my mind became foggy. All I could think about was being naked with him, our bodies tangled in a heated passion, a film of sweat on our bodies, my hands on his firm ass as he… no, wait, focus! Don’t get too carried away!
He took his hand off my thigh and I managed to clear my head, if only for a short while. I smiled back at him, moving my body forward, closer to his, trying to tempt him back. His eyes wandered to my lips, faintly rose – stained from my lipstick, slightly parted in anticipation. They continued on to my neck, I knew he’d noticed by then that I was wearing his favorite perfume, he went on down to the gentle rise of my breasts, and the hint of cleavage at my neckline. He licked his lips again and swallowed hard, then leaned in to whisper in my ear…
“Bad idea, I’m going to have to kiss you now…”
My heart began to race, my body tingling all over, waiting expectantly for his lips to finally meet mine. He nibbled on my earlobe, and begun to work his way along my jaw line to my lips. I closed my eyes, savoring every light kiss, dying for him to finally reach my lips, dying to finally taste him…
Just then my phone began to ring. Shit, I tried to find it without interrupting him, without interrupting the delicious sensation my body was experiencing. Curse bags that have no inside pockets! I thought as I rummaged around for it.
“Just let it ring,” he murmured.
“I can’t, it’s my mum – mmmmh…” I tried to say in a level voice.
Maybe if I just open my eyes for one second…
I was staring at my curtains; the sun had just started peeking through. Next to me, my phone was ringing incessantly, my alarm having just gone off…
“Motherf… argh!” I groaned.
I hit the snooze button and rolled over, pulling the duvet over my eyes. Now where was I…?

[listening to: Sleeping to Dream - Jason Mraz]

Progress check…

I’d written this on a random piece of paper in August of last year, and because I’m the forgetful kind, it didn’t make it into the blog… but now that I’ve found it, I can look back and see if I accomplished what I so badly wanted to…

IT’S CALLED A BREAK – UP BECAUSE IT’S BROKEN…
I read this book while on vacation (yes, I went down to the coast, and ignored sun and sand to read a self – help book) and it made me feel like an idiot! I actually cried while reading it because I pitied myself… and then I was angry with the authors for telling me these things. Ignorance is bliss, that’s for sure.
After two nights in tears, a few bottles of wine, and packs of cigarettes, I began to see the book as a tool to making me better… to fixing myself as it were. So I finished the book sober, I even managed to laugh at some of the stories, and at myself. And then, before I knew it, I’d reached the end of the book… so now what? Well, the author says it’s time to go out and be that “superfox” that I am deep down… and not to make the same mistakes… easier said than done!
For the past year and a half, I’ve basically been stuck in the same break – up… and that makes me feel so……….. stupid! I have dated guys during that time but I’ve been trapped in the wake of my last “successful” relationship…
A horrible thought just occurred to me; I’m the poster girl for daddy issues! In movies, on T.V and everything else, the asshole, the guy who’s only out to get laid, always looks out for the girl with the daddy issues… because they’re insecure and easy… and that’s me… well, and exaggerated version of me but you get my drift… even my guy friends tell me that when guys aren’t up for a challenge, they’ll look for a girl who seems to have low self esteem or has guy issues of some kind… and I realized that all but one of the guys I’ve been with since my huge break – up, (which weirdly enough was the same day my dad died) have been with me for that reason…
And not just guys in the post – break – up era, just guys generally… so that makes the exceptions three or four… I think… now that’s depressing…
So ANYWAY, I’m on this mission to change… because I do know that I have many great qualities and I do want to be with someone… but only for the right reasons and only when I’ve fixed myself so I know not to settle for less…
But I’m lonely…
So it’s definitely not going to be easy to stay on the straight and narrow…
I guess all I can do is take it one step at a time, do the things I know I ought to, the rest will fall naturally…. I hope… first thing I’m going to do is redecorate my room… messy bed; messy head… it’s time to sort both out!!

Hmmm L.A, looks like I was on to this drama – tox thing before we had our joint epiphany, haha… I have to admit, it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be, I didn’t really start til you and I agreed to help each other out. With the exception of S.P, I did behave; I got over the bastard ex – boyfriend, I stopped hooking up with guys randomly, I haven’t done so badly for myself… if I had to give myself a grade for my progress so far, it’d probably be a B-; I’ve definitely improved but I could do better… here’s to self – improvement!

Chapstick, Chapped Lips and things like Chemistry

Today my Magic 8 Ball told me in no uncertain terms that things between T.D.H and I are not supposed to work out… now I normally don’t take these things seriously, but it did get me thinking…
Our lifestyles are completely different; we have different views on some fundamental things, our parents have brought us up differently… make no mistake, he is a super awesome guy, we’re just different in some undeniable ways…
My friends think I’m just jinxing the potential relationship because I’m scared of getting hurt again. Who can blame me when my wounds are still so fresh? I think I’m just being realistic. I know matters of the heart and logic are not exactly synonymous but I think that if people used their brains more instead of just “listening to their hearts”, then a lot of misery could be avoided. I’m not really one to talk, I’ve been known to time and time again drown out all my sense with the sound of my heart beating… or the tingling of my cherry, depends on the guy, haha…
At this point, a relationship with T.D.H seems inevitable…and I use that term loosely; it could be anything from friends with benefits to a real relationship… his best friend told me that I should “make it happen” because it would be “a good thing”… whatever he meant by that… we flirt on an almost daily basis, the chemistry is unquestionable… and he did already kind of tell me that he was going to ask me out… and put down his conditions for the relationship… haha, alcohol rules!
He’s so extremely yummy… he’s got the most amazing dimples; he smiles at me and my insides melt, he’s got these huge, manly hands (you know what I mean; bigger then mine so when he holds my hand I feel safe, nice nails but not jerk – nails, strong grip, slightly rough so they’re just “manly” enough…) when he looks at me, my stomach is all in knots and coherence becomes a problem (can you say verbal diarrhea?) I blush like a fool and look away… translation: I feel like a 12 – year old all over again! He’s so tall… when I stand next to him, my head doesn’t even reach his shoulders… I love it! He’s got the sexiest accent and he speaks French!! He sucks at Swahili though, it’s loads of fun trying to teach him how to say stuff… he cracks me up immensely, he’s got the wickedest sense of humor  sigh… I could go on forever…
But my Magic 8 Ball tells me “outlook not so good” so I might have to tread even more carefully with this one…
Curse Vista and their stupid gadgets!

Of Princes and Frogs (random thoughts of a very stoned college girl)

I recently watched The Princess and the Frog; cute movie… and it got me thinking about how the whole kissing a frog scenario works in real life. You meet a guy, obviously with his imperfections, but somehow things work out and you turn him into your prince and you live happily ever after (this period of time is very relative). And there’s the frogs that you kiss that don’t exactly turn out to be princes, but you count as “experience” because you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince right? That saying is horribly cliché.
One of my prudish friends asked how you can tell which frog is your prince without all the kissing and so I’m letting my mind wander off into that place where there’s a very thin line between nonsense and epiphanies… (I smoked a fat joint earlier and I’m still pretty stoned.) Thanks to National Geographic, we all know to avoid the brightly colored frogs because those are generally the poisonous ones. Although sometimes we let all the pretty colors fool us and allow the toxicity into our lives (case in point; Seximus Prime)
Assuming we play it safe and stick t the normal green, slimy amphibians, we might just be kissing someone else’s frog and then there’s some time and energy that you’ll never get back… and then what if someone’s kissing your prospective frog prince, or is at least trying to? Do you wait your turn even though you’re not sure he’s the right one for you? Or do you leave things up to fate because eventually your frog will have to turn into a prince ergo you’ll have to find him and give him that transforming kiss… shit, I’m really stoned, haha!!

I partied with T.D.H over the weekend. Things have been going pretty great and all our friend think we should get together but there is one problem… actually a couple of problems. One is that I’m being seriously cock – blocked by a mutual acquaintance that, believe it or not, has the same name as me. So the whole night even when he was trying to talk to me, she’d jump in. I’m not one to fight for a guy’s attention so I continued to party with everyone else and tried my best to ignore it… the other problem is that he has some habits, and there’s one in particular, that I’m not cool with. Sorry to be so vague but I don’t want to out him… the problem that worries me the most is that he might convince me to try said bad habit (I have insatiable curiosity and that gets me into loads of trouble) and it’s something that I would not be very proud of, not to mention my friends and family would kill me if they ever found out.
So my potential prince is still a frog and I’m not sure if my kiss will turn him, or if it’ll turn me into a frog instead…

Sharp Hint of New Tears

“Come on Yvette; tell me, it can’t possibly be that bad!” I said as a laughed and handed her a cigarette. I couldn’t stand her for shit, especially after she brazenly hit on Seximus Prime the morning after we’d been together, but what girl can resist some juicy gossip?
She paused as I lit it for her. She sighed as she exhaled. “I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t smashed, you’re just lucky you saw me before you left.”
We were standing outside the local bar near uni, I was all set to leave until she saw me and came rushing towards me with the promise of a good story that I knew I could laugh about with the girls over coffee the next day.
I giggled and shoved her playfully, “out with it then, I haven’t got all night, I’ve got to go home and study for my paper tomorrow.”
“I slept with him babe.”
She paused to take a drag of her cigarette.
“I wanted to tell you but I wasn’t sure how to. You know what I’m like when I get drunk…”
I nodded, not fully aware of myself, not fully understanding the words I was hearing. She couldn’t mean who I thought she did. I mean, she is the biggest slut around, her sleeping with someone was no shocker, but she could NOT possibly mean who I thought she did.
“It was that night, you know, the last time you saw me… last week was it?”
I didn’t need any clarification, the memory was still fresh. Her throwing herself at him right in front of me, knowing exactly how I felt about him and what had happened between us… knowing that things were getting better between us…
I took the cigarette from her, took a long drag and flicked the ash away. She reached into her pocket to get her phone. She opened her inbox folder and handed it to me. I read the explicit messages from him, describing in detail what he wanted to do to her… some of the things he’d done to me… Blinking back tears, I handed it back to her. Faking a laugh, I said, “He’s quite the charmer isn’t he?”
She slurred something and laughed, it sounded like a witch’s cackle to me. I didn’t ask her to repeat herself. As I put the cigarette to my lips one more time, it somehow slipped and fell, narrowly missing my toe. Only then did I realize how numb I was.
“I’m sorry. I knew you guys were having a thing, even if you weren’t quite together. It just… happened…”
I half – smiled as I lit another cigarette. Don’t worry about it, he’s all yours.”
A tear rolled down my cheek. I brushed it off and breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn’t seen it.

As I turned to walk away, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see T.D.H looking at me, a concerned look on his face.
“Are you ok?”
I shook my head, afraid that if I spoke, more tears would fall.
“Come on, I’ll take you home.”
I shrugged and he took my bag from me as we walked to his car. He tossed it into the back seat where his already was. That instant, I remembered where he lived; I was totally putting him out. For a second, I considered taking a taxi. As if he could read my thoughts, he held the door open for me and gently nudged me.
I looked at him and he smiled at me.
“Get in silly, or do you want to run behind me all the way?”
Trust him to make me laugh even when I felt like shit, I got in and shut the door, and watched him walk around to the driver’s seat.
As we pulled out. I looked back, and caught a glimpse of Yvette chatting animatedly on the phone, oblivious of how deeply she'd just hurt me.
No, not oblivious.
Just unconcerned.

[Listening to: Poke – Frightened Rabbit]

Crash and Burn (I Totally Didn’t See This One Coming)

So I guess it’s safe to say that things between me and Seximus Prime are over. Rumor has it he’s quite the cookie monster* and I do not like to share.
Before I go any further, the post before was all fiction (I can hear you sigh of relief all the way over here, L.A), it was pretty much a dream I had about him. It sounds pretty lame to admit that, haha.
Anyway, I decided t let him go, if nothing’s happened 5 years down the line, it’s not likely that anything will. He said he’s been in relationships too long; he wants to be single for a while and just be himself. My friends believed him. I scoffed at the line, it sounds like something straight out of “He’s Just Not That into You”. Translation: “I just wanna casually fuck as many girls as I can and dating you would only tie me down.” I’m rather well - versed with all the bullshit lines come up with when they don’t want to date you.
I won’t lie, I’m really bummed out, especially because he’d actually began to act like he gave a damn before all this came out. I guess he was just trying to get some more of my tasty treats.
So I’m back to whatever I was before he came back into my life. Single with very few prospects. Something I’m mot that great at. Ok, I lie; I have quite a few prospects, but they’re either too young, not attractive, just plain weird, or (and I shit you not) think they might be bisexual. Lol. There is one guy I’m slightly interested in though; he falls in the younger than me category but he’s mature enough, makes me laugh, and seems interested too. Let’s call him T.D.H (Tall, Dark and Handsome). I’ll keep you posted!

*1. a person with an insatiable sexual appetite.
2. nymphomaniac
3. man-whore
1. Mike did all types of groupies when the band was together. He was a complete cookie monster.
2. Since Cheryl has admitted to being a lesbian she has become a total cookie monster to make up for the past 24 years.

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me"

“Come with me.”
I raised my eyebrow and looked up at him, “what?”
“Come with me, come home with me.”
I laughed, “You do realize I have to be home tomorrow right?”
“Yeah, tomorrow, that’s still a long way away. Come with me,” he asked again as he gently squeezed my arm.
I chewed on the end of my straw as I though about it. There’s no question that I wanted to go with him, but I had to be sensible about things, I didn’t want to one night him and end up pining over him for another month. But I’d had a lousy day; playing fifth wheel on Valentine’s Day wasn’t exactly my idea of fun. I love Zoe and Mel and their boyfriends were good company but playing the role of the single tag – along was less than thrilling. The only good thing that had come out of it is that I got to see him. And they’d both left me there, no doubt to do the do with their respective boyfriends… Didn’t I deserve to be with someone I cared for as well? My mum didn’t expect me back home until the next morning anyway, I could go to his house and leave in the morning.
No Rae!! You are not pulling the one night stand and walk of shame routine again!!!
“Rae?”
“Sorry, I was just thinking about it. I don’t know Nick; I don’t think it’s a good idea…”
His face fell. “I know after last time I said I just wanted us to be casual but I’ve changed my mind, I want to be with you Rae. That’s the only reason I came out tonight, you know this isn’t my scene, I was running around all day trying to figure out where you’d be, I had to see you.”
He lifted my chin so he could look me in the eye.
“Come with me Rae, please… let’s put and end to all these games and just be… together…”
His brown eyes were staring intently into mine, he was biting his full, juicy lip ever so slightly, his intoxicating scent filled my nose and his touch on my arm gave me goose bumps… and that speech, he who was so afraid to show emotion just poured his heart out…
“Okay.” I said, almost a whisper.
He pulled me in and kissed my forehead. He bent to kiss me, and I tiptoed to meet his lips. He paid for our drinks and we left, his arm around my waist. He opened the door for me and I got into his car. My head was swirling, I still wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision, but all I knew for sure is that I wanted to be with him.
Before I knew it, we were at his place. He could tell I was nervous so he offered me some wine to take the edge off. I nodded and he brought a bottle and two glasses. He stopped on the way to turn on his stereo. John Mayer, my favorite.
“We don’t have to do anything tonight you know… and I could take you home if you want, you seem uneasy.”
I looked up to see him gazing intently at me, a concerned look on his face and frown lines on his forehead.
“No, I’m fine,” I said, and kissed him to reassure him.
Relax Rae, you’re here now, you might as well enjoy it, I chided myself.
I drained the contents of my glass and with it my anxiety was washed away. I kissed him again, more passionately this time, running my hand along the back of his neck.
He pulled me towards and under him, kissing me deeply, making my skin tingle and my loins ache for him. I slipped my hand under his shirt, feeling his lean, toned body, running my fingertips down the small of his back. He took his shirt off and mine too. I gasped as he cupped my breast and squeezed it gently, and let out a moan when he freed my nipple and tenderly nibbled and sucked it.
I could feel his hardness on my thigh, and I could feel myself getting wetter. I rolled him over and continued to kiss him, moving slowly down his chest, down his abs, all the while unbuttoning his jeans. Then I stopped and got up.
“Damn Rae, it’s not fair to tease me like that.”
I giggled and began walking seductively to his room, taking my bra off and letting it fall to the floor…

Must… resist… temptation…

So I had this great plan to drama – tox and simplify my life. But the other plan I hadn’t quite told anyone was, while drama – toxing which included resisting temptation i.e. Seximus Prime, to make him miss me. And it worked. But now what?
After my little bedroom mishap, he decided he wanted things to be causal between us. Which, even though I was really bummed out about, I had to agree to because I was embarrassed enough already, having put myself out there and not getting the response I wanted. So things have been casual between us. No casual sex though, just friendly casual.
At first it was a bit awkward, what with me having practically poured my heart out to him and him crushing it… again… pretty much the same thing happened in high school; it was like having the same bad dream over again *shudder*. After we got past the awkwardness though, we were back to normal. In fact, we were so cool that he even began to tell me about this girl that he liked. Yeah, real smooth… and that’s when it hit me, I must get over him before I fall any further and end up in my destructive post – heartbreak phase. My friends on the other hand felt differently, they insisted that he did feel something for me but I had bruised his ego. That got me thinking and I then hatched my great plan to disappear for a while and then see if he’d miss me.
I saw him yesterday. My plan had worked brilliantly. He wouldn’t take his eyes off me, or his hands. Now don’t worry L.A, I didn’t relapse, all we did was talk… he said he’d missed me, asked where I’d been, told me how hot I looked… that’s not all I wanted to do though, I couldn’t even hold eye contact because of the suggestive glint in his eye, I couldn’t take my eyes off his sensual lips and his soft pink tongue as he occasionally ran it across them… the hardness of his body pressed against mine when he hugged me, his warm breath on the nape of my neck, his lips on my cheek when he greeted me with a light peck… his hands running down my arms and the small of my back as we talked… the tight squeeze as he tried to convince me not to leave…
But leave I did, partly because I didn’t know what the next step in the plan was, and partly because I was still sticking to the plan. You would not believe the amount of willpower it took.
My problem now is this… I don’t know what happens next, and I only see one inevitable end… relapse…

Old Spice and Cigarettes

When I was younger and my brother and I used to fight, you wouldn’t step in no matter how much I whined; you taught me to stand up for myself.
When I was learning how to ride a bike, you took the training wheels off before I was ready; you taught me that life wasn’t easy, and you taught me to be ready for anything.
When I did something wrong, you spanked me; you taught me right from wrong.
When I did something right, you encouraged me; you taught me the value of hard work.
When I saw you with your friends and even with total strangers, you taught me how to treat people; with respect and caring.
When you left, you taught me that love hurts.
When you came back and tried to make things right, you taught me that love can also heal.

Then, before I knew it, you were gone and there was nothing else you could teach me... All I had was the lingering smell of Old Spice and cigarettes… and the hope that we will one day see each other again.
R.I.P Dad, love you always.

[listening to: Dance With My Father - Luther Vandross]

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Part of the 12 – step program is to admit to our shortcomings. So I’m going to fess up to one of my major ones…
I get physical too fast. Now I don’t mean that I jumped in the sack with every single guy, but I have on three occasions been guilty of that.
Most recently was Seximus Prime. Sure, I’ve known him for years but in the words of my best friend, I wouldn’t have died if I made him wait before he got his hands on the goods.
Then there was G.I. Joe, the guy who was responsible for most of my heartbreak last year. We never really dated but we were somewhat exclusive. We liked each other but he thought I was too wild for him and I didn’t exactly try to prove him wrong. We left things hanging but the last time I saw him, he was with some other girl and acted like I was part of the wall hangings.
And there was my ex. The Bastard. We did the do only a week or so after we met. Sure, we dated for more or less two years but I consider it a monumental waste of time and he left me deeply emotionally scarred.
Anyway, I digress.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Case in point, G.I. Joe; he got a years worth of the mattress mambo without committing to me. And Seximus Prime, who I know I’d boink again, given the chance, fully knowing the chances of him committing are as slim as that Olsen twin with the eating disorder. Clearly, there is no need to buy the whole cow. Sure, it would be awesome to have cheese and butter, and later tasty beef burgers and leather… but those are all frills that guys can live without, or simply get from another cow.
I’m not easy, I sometimes just get carried away, but I really need to figure out a way to make a transition from being the hook up girl to being the girlfriend. I’m lonely; I want someone to cuddle with and to stay up all night talking to. I don’t want to constantly worry if I’m overstepping my boundaries and if I’m acting too girlfriendy…
The next step? To fix the flaws… so I’m consciously trying to ignore my cherry and pay more attention to common sense…

PS: methinks L.A should get out of my head, our blog posts are starting to sound a lot alike =P

Drama - tox

Oh shit, I just realized something. History is repeating itself… my dating history… but more on that later…
Most, if not all girls have watched He’s Just Not That Into You. The main character, Gigi, reminds me of myself in some ways that I am not very proud of.
She was over zealous in her search for love, throwing herself at every guy who showed the slightest bit of interest. She’d let her imagination run wild, and see said guy and herself in a long – term relationship, even though it was only the first date.
In the end, after much heartache and soul – searching, she realized that she was not the exception; the girl who manages to find happily ever after with her soul mate in record time, but that instead, she was the rule.
I, like Gigi, am the rule. And like she did in the movie, I need to change the way I look at things. No more J.D – esque daydreams about happily – ever – after a few days into a flirtation, no more sitting around for hours analyzing everything about a conversation with a guy and spinning it to suit me, and no more wasting time on someone who clearly is just not that into me. I’m tired of all the drama that comes with it…
That said, getting over Seximus Prime (the guy from to posts ago) and his ridiculous love making is number one on my drama – tox list. He says he’s not in the right place for anything serious right now but is down for something casual. Which I’m not sure I want to get into for the simple reason that I’m far too emotional for casual sex… That and the “I’m not ready” excuse has been overdone; the girl feels sorry for you because of your previous relationship problems, you say you’re not ready but she hears that you’re not ready YET, and she ends up hanging around basically playing the girlfriend role, but not realizing how disposable she is…
What else is on my drama – tox list? I’m not sure yet, all I know is, I need to simplify my life, it’s getting wildly out of control…
Sigh…
[listening to: I don’t trust myself (with loving you) – John Mayer]

Tired and uninspired...

I have been typing and deleting for an hour now.
My mind is messy, full of thoughts that are difficult to put into words.
I thought I had something to say, but obviously not...
I am mentally exhausted from all the thinking and physically exhausted from insomnia and migraines; a result of the constant chaos that is my brain.
Usually I'd write to unclutter my brain, but we can all see how well that's going...
I need to find the off switch; an hour or two of dead air would be greatly appreciated.
But there is no off switch.
And I’m out of painkillers.
Shit.

Sex on fire...

“You look good in my shirt.”
I looked up to see him leaning on his elbow, smiling at me. I smiled back and crawled back into bed, playfully pulling the sheets off him. He spanked me and pulled me in for a kiss. And then we made love for the second time that morning.
Back In high school, there was this guy I had a major crush on. For over a year. And he liked me too, but for reasons I can’t quite explain, things never quite worked out between us. We went our separate ways and apart from a few encounters in some of my more steamy dreams, haven’t seen each other since.
But now we’re going to the same uni.
We just spent the night together.
He’s my weakness, I find him completely irresistible. And his sex? Don’t even get me started; my body has never experienced so much pleasure at any given time. After we were done, he held me close to him and we slept in each other’s arms. More like napped really, we kept waking up to do it again and again, our bodies were on fire and our appetites for each other insatiable.
“Baby, you awake?” I responded by playfully kissing his nose. Then he said the one thing I was not expecting.
“So what are we to each other now?”
My body stiffened against his, I looked up at him to see him smiling at me expectantly. This was something I wasn’t ready to discuss.
“I don’t know…why are you asking? So that you know if it’s ok to sleep with other girls?”
He didn’t laugh, he just frowned at me. Me and my big mouth…
“Be right back, I need to get a glass of water.”
I couldn’t find my shirt in the mess on the floor so I grabbed his and threw it on. I decided to ignore his question; I really didn’t know what to say. What if we want different things and I end up looking like an idiot? I couldn’t risk it. I gulped down my water and poured myself another glass. Being with him was a work out… I’m not complaining though, it sure beats going to the gym. I realized I was taking a long time; I called out to him, asking if he needed anything, he said he was fine. I put the glass in the sink and walked back to the bedroom. I paused for a moment to look for my clothes on the cluttered floor.
“You look good in my shirt…”

Conversations with my 13 year old self

I found my old diary today, the one I had when I was 13, halfway through high school, and very opinionated. I had a punk phase that I’m not quite out of; I do have my random Avril Lavigne – esque days. At 13 I was kind of a rebel, as most kids that age are, and I was very against all types of conformity. I knew I was pretty, but wasn’t the typical girly kind of pretty that the world takes notice of. I was the reserved girl, undiscovered in my cocoon of rocker t – shirts, heavy eye – shadow, pants that were always one size too big, and of course, the classic studded accessories. I would become a butterfly in my own time, being a tomboy was fun; I never had to worry about chipping a nail, running out of my favorite kind of lip gloss, or having my hair out of place.
And then a strange thing happened; I became popular, without my realizing it.
I stuck to my rocker girl image but that too began to change. My rocker tees were replaced by slightly more form fitting, lower cut tops, my baggy jeans were substituted for better – fitting jeans that showed off my assets, the spiky accessories too disappeared into the back of my closet. I grew my nails out and although for years I stuck to black nail polish, I eventually discovered that other colors don’t look half bad.
Years later, I’m still one of the popular girls; my vans and chucks rarely ever see the light of day while my super cute sandals are all worn out, the jeans that aren’t super skinny are only ever worn on my fat days, and my rocker tees are folded neatly in my drawer for those chilly days when I don’t want to expose my chest. Which, in a tropical country straddling the equator, is not that often. I went from never wearing skirts or dresses to loving ones that are not very generous with material… I’m sure my mum regrets pushing me to dress more girly now!
I’m a conformist. The one thing I never wanted to be.
I realize that at 13 I hadn’t factored everything in, it was only normal to want to be more feminine as I grew older, and I can’t wear my Vans with everything, but I still feel like some sort of a sell – out. Musically, I’m a rocker till I die. Looking at me, you probably wouldn’t think so, save for the dark eye – liner that I don’t think I’m about to give up anytime soon. My style is definitely edgier than my more girly friends, but it’s still quite reminiscent of the stereotypical popular chicks in those trite high school movies.
I miss expressing my identity through my clothes, and not caring what people would think. Apparently to show up in public dressed as 13 year old me would be what one of my friends calls “social suicide”. And I've gotten used to a certain standard of living, sudden unpopularity wouldn't be good for my health (seriously, it's been proven, popular kids are healthier! lol!) So I’m thinking more of rocker – chique as opposed to rocker – chic. Who says I can’t have my cake and eat it too? 13 year old me would be so proud…

2009 in retrospect...

Last year I…
Started the year getting beat on by cops and random bystanders. Didn’t think I’d make it through the night.
Celebrated the one year anniversary of my dad’s death… on the wrong day… translation: they waited a day to tell me he was dead.
Drank countless tequilas, an equal number of black ices, about 150 beers, maybe another 120 assorted shots.
Smoked more than 150 packs of cigarettes.
Damn… that’s about 200,000 shillings!!!
Started dressing more girly… my dressing wasn’t butch or anything but I embraced my girly side a bit more.
Cut and dyed my hair. It may not sound like a big deal but I cherish every single strand on my head so it was for me. Haha!
Finally let go of my ex. He was my booty call for over a year.
Lost one of my closest friends… she didn’t die but she is dead to me…
Made more mistakes with men than I would’ve liked.
Finally got busted by my mum throwing a house party… this one was a long time coming, lol.
Went to a strip club for the first time only to find that the strippers had the night off… go figure!
Started playing the guitar, it’s true what they say, music is good for your soul 
Had the best, and worst, sex of my life (so far).
Dislocated my ankle falling down a bunch of steps… in my defense, I was pushed! But blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol!!
Drank 21 shots on my birthday and was still standing!! Me remembering anything is another story! Lol!
Got into a really huge fight with another girl and discovered (from other people) that I fight like a man. Excuse me for thinking kicks and punches are the proper way to fight.
Those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. 2009 was a crazy year and not always in a good way. I’d like to believe I emerged stronger, and that all these experiences have made me wiser. If not, that was a hell of a ride!!! I’d totally do it again!! Well… most of it…
Happy New Year!!!