“Come on Yvette; tell me, it can’t possibly be that bad!” I said as a laughed and handed her a cigarette. I couldn’t stand her for shit, especially after she brazenly hit on Seximus Prime the morning after we’d been together, but what girl can resist some juicy gossip?
She paused as I lit it for her. She sighed as she exhaled. “I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t smashed, you’re just lucky you saw me before you left.”
We were standing outside the local bar near uni, I was all set to leave until she saw me and came rushing towards me with the promise of a good story that I knew I could laugh about with the girls over coffee the next day.
I giggled and shoved her playfully, “out with it then, I haven’t got all night, I’ve got to go home and study for my paper tomorrow.”
“I slept with him babe.”
She paused to take a drag of her cigarette.
“I wanted to tell you but I wasn’t sure how to. You know what I’m like when I get drunk…”
I nodded, not fully aware of myself, not fully understanding the words I was hearing. She couldn’t mean who I thought she did. I mean, she is the biggest slut around, her sleeping with someone was no shocker, but she could NOT possibly mean who I thought she did.
“It was that night, you know, the last time you saw me… last week was it?”
I didn’t need any clarification, the memory was still fresh. Her throwing herself at him right in front of me, knowing exactly how I felt about him and what had happened between us… knowing that things were getting better between us…
I took the cigarette from her, took a long drag and flicked the ash away. She reached into her pocket to get her phone. She opened her inbox folder and handed it to me. I read the explicit messages from him, describing in detail what he wanted to do to her… some of the things he’d done to me… Blinking back tears, I handed it back to her. Faking a laugh, I said, “He’s quite the charmer isn’t he?”
She slurred something and laughed, it sounded like a witch’s cackle to me. I didn’t ask her to repeat herself. As I put the cigarette to my lips one more time, it somehow slipped and fell, narrowly missing my toe. Only then did I realize how numb I was.
“I’m sorry. I knew you guys were having a thing, even if you weren’t quite together. It just… happened…”
I half – smiled as I lit another cigarette. Don’t worry about it, he’s all yours.”
A tear rolled down my cheek. I brushed it off and breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn’t seen it.
As I turned to walk away, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see T.D.H looking at me, a concerned look on his face.
“Are you ok?”
I shook my head, afraid that if I spoke, more tears would fall.
“Come on, I’ll take you home.”
I shrugged and he took my bag from me as we walked to his car. He tossed it into the back seat where his already was. That instant, I remembered where he lived; I was totally putting him out. For a second, I considered taking a taxi. As if he could read my thoughts, he held the door open for me and gently nudged me.
I looked at him and he smiled at me.
“Get in silly, or do you want to run behind me all the way?”
Trust him to make me laugh even when I felt like shit, I got in and shut the door, and watched him walk around to the driver’s seat.
As we pulled out. I looked back, and caught a glimpse of Yvette chatting animatedly on the phone, oblivious of how deeply she'd just hurt me.
No, not oblivious.
Just unconcerned.
[Listening to: Poke – Frightened Rabbit]
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Crash and Burn (I Totally Didn’t See This One Coming)
So I guess it’s safe to say that things between me and Seximus Prime are over. Rumor has it he’s quite the cookie monster* and I do not like to share.
Before I go any further, the post before was all fiction (I can hear you sigh of relief all the way over here, L.A), it was pretty much a dream I had about him. It sounds pretty lame to admit that, haha.
Anyway, I decided t let him go, if nothing’s happened 5 years down the line, it’s not likely that anything will. He said he’s been in relationships too long; he wants to be single for a while and just be himself. My friends believed him. I scoffed at the line, it sounds like something straight out of “He’s Just Not That into You”. Translation: “I just wanna casually fuck as many girls as I can and dating you would only tie me down.” I’m rather well - versed with all the bullshit lines come up with when they don’t want to date you.
I won’t lie, I’m really bummed out, especially because he’d actually began to act like he gave a damn before all this came out. I guess he was just trying to get some more of my tasty treats.
So I’m back to whatever I was before he came back into my life. Single with very few prospects. Something I’m mot that great at. Ok, I lie; I have quite a few prospects, but they’re either too young, not attractive, just plain weird, or (and I shit you not) think they might be bisexual. Lol. There is one guy I’m slightly interested in though; he falls in the younger than me category but he’s mature enough, makes me laugh, and seems interested too. Let’s call him T.D.H (Tall, Dark and Handsome). I’ll keep you posted!
*1. a person with an insatiable sexual appetite.
2. nymphomaniac
3. man-whore
1. Mike did all types of groupies when the band was together. He was a complete cookie monster.
2. Since Cheryl has admitted to being a lesbian she has become a total cookie monster to make up for the past 24 years.
Before I go any further, the post before was all fiction (I can hear you sigh of relief all the way over here, L.A), it was pretty much a dream I had about him. It sounds pretty lame to admit that, haha.
Anyway, I decided t let him go, if nothing’s happened 5 years down the line, it’s not likely that anything will. He said he’s been in relationships too long; he wants to be single for a while and just be himself. My friends believed him. I scoffed at the line, it sounds like something straight out of “He’s Just Not That into You”. Translation: “I just wanna casually fuck as many girls as I can and dating you would only tie me down.” I’m rather well - versed with all the bullshit lines come up with when they don’t want to date you.
I won’t lie, I’m really bummed out, especially because he’d actually began to act like he gave a damn before all this came out. I guess he was just trying to get some more of my tasty treats.
So I’m back to whatever I was before he came back into my life. Single with very few prospects. Something I’m mot that great at. Ok, I lie; I have quite a few prospects, but they’re either too young, not attractive, just plain weird, or (and I shit you not) think they might be bisexual. Lol. There is one guy I’m slightly interested in though; he falls in the younger than me category but he’s mature enough, makes me laugh, and seems interested too. Let’s call him T.D.H (Tall, Dark and Handsome). I’ll keep you posted!
*1. a person with an insatiable sexual appetite.
2. nymphomaniac
3. man-whore
1. Mike did all types of groupies when the band was together. He was a complete cookie monster.
2. Since Cheryl has admitted to being a lesbian she has become a total cookie monster to make up for the past 24 years.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me"
“Come with me.”
I raised my eyebrow and looked up at him, “what?”
“Come with me, come home with me.”
I laughed, “You do realize I have to be home tomorrow right?”
“Yeah, tomorrow, that’s still a long way away. Come with me,” he asked again as he gently squeezed my arm.
I chewed on the end of my straw as I though about it. There’s no question that I wanted to go with him, but I had to be sensible about things, I didn’t want to one night him and end up pining over him for another month. But I’d had a lousy day; playing fifth wheel on Valentine’s Day wasn’t exactly my idea of fun. I love Zoe and Mel and their boyfriends were good company but playing the role of the single tag – along was less than thrilling. The only good thing that had come out of it is that I got to see him. And they’d both left me there, no doubt to do the do with their respective boyfriends… Didn’t I deserve to be with someone I cared for as well? My mum didn’t expect me back home until the next morning anyway, I could go to his house and leave in the morning.
No Rae!! You are not pulling the one night stand and walk of shame routine again!!!
“Rae?”
“Sorry, I was just thinking about it. I don’t know Nick; I don’t think it’s a good idea…”
His face fell. “I know after last time I said I just wanted us to be casual but I’ve changed my mind, I want to be with you Rae. That’s the only reason I came out tonight, you know this isn’t my scene, I was running around all day trying to figure out where you’d be, I had to see you.”
He lifted my chin so he could look me in the eye.
“Come with me Rae, please… let’s put and end to all these games and just be… together…”
His brown eyes were staring intently into mine, he was biting his full, juicy lip ever so slightly, his intoxicating scent filled my nose and his touch on my arm gave me goose bumps… and that speech, he who was so afraid to show emotion just poured his heart out…
“Okay.” I said, almost a whisper.
He pulled me in and kissed my forehead. He bent to kiss me, and I tiptoed to meet his lips. He paid for our drinks and we left, his arm around my waist. He opened the door for me and I got into his car. My head was swirling, I still wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision, but all I knew for sure is that I wanted to be with him.
Before I knew it, we were at his place. He could tell I was nervous so he offered me some wine to take the edge off. I nodded and he brought a bottle and two glasses. He stopped on the way to turn on his stereo. John Mayer, my favorite.
“We don’t have to do anything tonight you know… and I could take you home if you want, you seem uneasy.”
I looked up to see him gazing intently at me, a concerned look on his face and frown lines on his forehead.
“No, I’m fine,” I said, and kissed him to reassure him.
Relax Rae, you’re here now, you might as well enjoy it, I chided myself.
I drained the contents of my glass and with it my anxiety was washed away. I kissed him again, more passionately this time, running my hand along the back of his neck.
He pulled me towards and under him, kissing me deeply, making my skin tingle and my loins ache for him. I slipped my hand under his shirt, feeling his lean, toned body, running my fingertips down the small of his back. He took his shirt off and mine too. I gasped as he cupped my breast and squeezed it gently, and let out a moan when he freed my nipple and tenderly nibbled and sucked it.
I could feel his hardness on my thigh, and I could feel myself getting wetter. I rolled him over and continued to kiss him, moving slowly down his chest, down his abs, all the while unbuttoning his jeans. Then I stopped and got up.
“Damn Rae, it’s not fair to tease me like that.”
I giggled and began walking seductively to his room, taking my bra off and letting it fall to the floor…
I raised my eyebrow and looked up at him, “what?”
“Come with me, come home with me.”
I laughed, “You do realize I have to be home tomorrow right?”
“Yeah, tomorrow, that’s still a long way away. Come with me,” he asked again as he gently squeezed my arm.
I chewed on the end of my straw as I though about it. There’s no question that I wanted to go with him, but I had to be sensible about things, I didn’t want to one night him and end up pining over him for another month. But I’d had a lousy day; playing fifth wheel on Valentine’s Day wasn’t exactly my idea of fun. I love Zoe and Mel and their boyfriends were good company but playing the role of the single tag – along was less than thrilling. The only good thing that had come out of it is that I got to see him. And they’d both left me there, no doubt to do the do with their respective boyfriends… Didn’t I deserve to be with someone I cared for as well? My mum didn’t expect me back home until the next morning anyway, I could go to his house and leave in the morning.
No Rae!! You are not pulling the one night stand and walk of shame routine again!!!
“Rae?”
“Sorry, I was just thinking about it. I don’t know Nick; I don’t think it’s a good idea…”
His face fell. “I know after last time I said I just wanted us to be casual but I’ve changed my mind, I want to be with you Rae. That’s the only reason I came out tonight, you know this isn’t my scene, I was running around all day trying to figure out where you’d be, I had to see you.”
He lifted my chin so he could look me in the eye.
“Come with me Rae, please… let’s put and end to all these games and just be… together…”
His brown eyes were staring intently into mine, he was biting his full, juicy lip ever so slightly, his intoxicating scent filled my nose and his touch on my arm gave me goose bumps… and that speech, he who was so afraid to show emotion just poured his heart out…
“Okay.” I said, almost a whisper.
He pulled me in and kissed my forehead. He bent to kiss me, and I tiptoed to meet his lips. He paid for our drinks and we left, his arm around my waist. He opened the door for me and I got into his car. My head was swirling, I still wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision, but all I knew for sure is that I wanted to be with him.
Before I knew it, we were at his place. He could tell I was nervous so he offered me some wine to take the edge off. I nodded and he brought a bottle and two glasses. He stopped on the way to turn on his stereo. John Mayer, my favorite.
“We don’t have to do anything tonight you know… and I could take you home if you want, you seem uneasy.”
I looked up to see him gazing intently at me, a concerned look on his face and frown lines on his forehead.
“No, I’m fine,” I said, and kissed him to reassure him.
Relax Rae, you’re here now, you might as well enjoy it, I chided myself.
I drained the contents of my glass and with it my anxiety was washed away. I kissed him again, more passionately this time, running my hand along the back of his neck.
He pulled me towards and under him, kissing me deeply, making my skin tingle and my loins ache for him. I slipped my hand under his shirt, feeling his lean, toned body, running my fingertips down the small of his back. He took his shirt off and mine too. I gasped as he cupped my breast and squeezed it gently, and let out a moan when he freed my nipple and tenderly nibbled and sucked it.
I could feel his hardness on my thigh, and I could feel myself getting wetter. I rolled him over and continued to kiss him, moving slowly down his chest, down his abs, all the while unbuttoning his jeans. Then I stopped and got up.
“Damn Rae, it’s not fair to tease me like that.”
I giggled and began walking seductively to his room, taking my bra off and letting it fall to the floor…
Friday, February 12, 2010
Must… resist… temptation…
So I had this great plan to drama – tox and simplify my life. But the other plan I hadn’t quite told anyone was, while drama – toxing which included resisting temptation i.e. Seximus Prime, to make him miss me. And it worked. But now what?
After my little bedroom mishap, he decided he wanted things to be causal between us. Which, even though I was really bummed out about, I had to agree to because I was embarrassed enough already, having put myself out there and not getting the response I wanted. So things have been casual between us. No casual sex though, just friendly casual.
At first it was a bit awkward, what with me having practically poured my heart out to him and him crushing it… again… pretty much the same thing happened in high school; it was like having the same bad dream over again *shudder*. After we got past the awkwardness though, we were back to normal. In fact, we were so cool that he even began to tell me about this girl that he liked. Yeah, real smooth… and that’s when it hit me, I must get over him before I fall any further and end up in my destructive post – heartbreak phase. My friends on the other hand felt differently, they insisted that he did feel something for me but I had bruised his ego. That got me thinking and I then hatched my great plan to disappear for a while and then see if he’d miss me.
I saw him yesterday. My plan had worked brilliantly. He wouldn’t take his eyes off me, or his hands. Now don’t worry L.A, I didn’t relapse, all we did was talk… he said he’d missed me, asked where I’d been, told me how hot I looked… that’s not all I wanted to do though, I couldn’t even hold eye contact because of the suggestive glint in his eye, I couldn’t take my eyes off his sensual lips and his soft pink tongue as he occasionally ran it across them… the hardness of his body pressed against mine when he hugged me, his warm breath on the nape of my neck, his lips on my cheek when he greeted me with a light peck… his hands running down my arms and the small of my back as we talked… the tight squeeze as he tried to convince me not to leave…
But leave I did, partly because I didn’t know what the next step in the plan was, and partly because I was still sticking to the plan. You would not believe the amount of willpower it took.
My problem now is this… I don’t know what happens next, and I only see one inevitable end… relapse…
After my little bedroom mishap, he decided he wanted things to be causal between us. Which, even though I was really bummed out about, I had to agree to because I was embarrassed enough already, having put myself out there and not getting the response I wanted. So things have been casual between us. No casual sex though, just friendly casual.
At first it was a bit awkward, what with me having practically poured my heart out to him and him crushing it… again… pretty much the same thing happened in high school; it was like having the same bad dream over again *shudder*. After we got past the awkwardness though, we were back to normal. In fact, we were so cool that he even began to tell me about this girl that he liked. Yeah, real smooth… and that’s when it hit me, I must get over him before I fall any further and end up in my destructive post – heartbreak phase. My friends on the other hand felt differently, they insisted that he did feel something for me but I had bruised his ego. That got me thinking and I then hatched my great plan to disappear for a while and then see if he’d miss me.
I saw him yesterday. My plan had worked brilliantly. He wouldn’t take his eyes off me, or his hands. Now don’t worry L.A, I didn’t relapse, all we did was talk… he said he’d missed me, asked where I’d been, told me how hot I looked… that’s not all I wanted to do though, I couldn’t even hold eye contact because of the suggestive glint in his eye, I couldn’t take my eyes off his sensual lips and his soft pink tongue as he occasionally ran it across them… the hardness of his body pressed against mine when he hugged me, his warm breath on the nape of my neck, his lips on my cheek when he greeted me with a light peck… his hands running down my arms and the small of my back as we talked… the tight squeeze as he tried to convince me not to leave…
But leave I did, partly because I didn’t know what the next step in the plan was, and partly because I was still sticking to the plan. You would not believe the amount of willpower it took.
My problem now is this… I don’t know what happens next, and I only see one inevitable end… relapse…
Monday, February 8, 2010
Old Spice and Cigarettes
When I was younger and my brother and I used to fight, you wouldn’t step in no matter how much I whined; you taught me to stand up for myself.
When I was learning how to ride a bike, you took the training wheels off before I was ready; you taught me that life wasn’t easy, and you taught me to be ready for anything.
When I did something wrong, you spanked me; you taught me right from wrong.
When I did something right, you encouraged me; you taught me the value of hard work.
When I saw you with your friends and even with total strangers, you taught me how to treat people; with respect and caring.
When you left, you taught me that love hurts.
When you came back and tried to make things right, you taught me that love can also heal.
Then, before I knew it, you were gone and there was nothing else you could teach me... All I had was the lingering smell of Old Spice and cigarettes… and the hope that we will one day see each other again.
R.I.P Dad, love you always.
[listening to: Dance With My Father - Luther Vandross]
When I was learning how to ride a bike, you took the training wheels off before I was ready; you taught me that life wasn’t easy, and you taught me to be ready for anything.
When I did something wrong, you spanked me; you taught me right from wrong.
When I did something right, you encouraged me; you taught me the value of hard work.
When I saw you with your friends and even with total strangers, you taught me how to treat people; with respect and caring.
When you left, you taught me that love hurts.
When you came back and tried to make things right, you taught me that love can also heal.
Then, before I knew it, you were gone and there was nothing else you could teach me... All I had was the lingering smell of Old Spice and cigarettes… and the hope that we will one day see each other again.
R.I.P Dad, love you always.
[listening to: Dance With My Father - Luther Vandross]
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Part of the 12 – step program is to admit to our shortcomings. So I’m going to fess up to one of my major ones…
I get physical too fast. Now I don’t mean that I jumped in the sack with every single guy, but I have on three occasions been guilty of that.
Most recently was Seximus Prime. Sure, I’ve known him for years but in the words of my best friend, I wouldn’t have died if I made him wait before he got his hands on the goods.
Then there was G.I. Joe, the guy who was responsible for most of my heartbreak last year. We never really dated but we were somewhat exclusive. We liked each other but he thought I was too wild for him and I didn’t exactly try to prove him wrong. We left things hanging but the last time I saw him, he was with some other girl and acted like I was part of the wall hangings.
And there was my ex. The Bastard. We did the do only a week or so after we met. Sure, we dated for more or less two years but I consider it a monumental waste of time and he left me deeply emotionally scarred.
Anyway, I digress.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Case in point, G.I. Joe; he got a years worth of the mattress mambo without committing to me. And Seximus Prime, who I know I’d boink again, given the chance, fully knowing the chances of him committing are as slim as that Olsen twin with the eating disorder. Clearly, there is no need to buy the whole cow. Sure, it would be awesome to have cheese and butter, and later tasty beef burgers and leather… but those are all frills that guys can live without, or simply get from another cow.
I’m not easy, I sometimes just get carried away, but I really need to figure out a way to make a transition from being the hook up girl to being the girlfriend. I’m lonely; I want someone to cuddle with and to stay up all night talking to. I don’t want to constantly worry if I’m overstepping my boundaries and if I’m acting too girlfriendy…
The next step? To fix the flaws… so I’m consciously trying to ignore my cherry and pay more attention to common sense…
PS: methinks L.A should get out of my head, our blog posts are starting to sound a lot alike =P
I get physical too fast. Now I don’t mean that I jumped in the sack with every single guy, but I have on three occasions been guilty of that.
Most recently was Seximus Prime. Sure, I’ve known him for years but in the words of my best friend, I wouldn’t have died if I made him wait before he got his hands on the goods.
Then there was G.I. Joe, the guy who was responsible for most of my heartbreak last year. We never really dated but we were somewhat exclusive. We liked each other but he thought I was too wild for him and I didn’t exactly try to prove him wrong. We left things hanging but the last time I saw him, he was with some other girl and acted like I was part of the wall hangings.
And there was my ex. The Bastard. We did the do only a week or so after we met. Sure, we dated for more or less two years but I consider it a monumental waste of time and he left me deeply emotionally scarred.
Anyway, I digress.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Case in point, G.I. Joe; he got a years worth of the mattress mambo without committing to me. And Seximus Prime, who I know I’d boink again, given the chance, fully knowing the chances of him committing are as slim as that Olsen twin with the eating disorder. Clearly, there is no need to buy the whole cow. Sure, it would be awesome to have cheese and butter, and later tasty beef burgers and leather… but those are all frills that guys can live without, or simply get from another cow.
I’m not easy, I sometimes just get carried away, but I really need to figure out a way to make a transition from being the hook up girl to being the girlfriend. I’m lonely; I want someone to cuddle with and to stay up all night talking to. I don’t want to constantly worry if I’m overstepping my boundaries and if I’m acting too girlfriendy…
The next step? To fix the flaws… so I’m consciously trying to ignore my cherry and pay more attention to common sense…
PS: methinks L.A should get out of my head, our blog posts are starting to sound a lot alike =P
Monday, February 1, 2010
Drama - tox
Oh shit, I just realized something. History is repeating itself… my dating history… but more on that later…
Most, if not all girls have watched He’s Just Not That Into You. The main character, Gigi, reminds me of myself in some ways that I am not very proud of.
She was over zealous in her search for love, throwing herself at every guy who showed the slightest bit of interest. She’d let her imagination run wild, and see said guy and herself in a long – term relationship, even though it was only the first date.
In the end, after much heartache and soul – searching, she realized that she was not the exception; the girl who manages to find happily ever after with her soul mate in record time, but that instead, she was the rule.
I, like Gigi, am the rule. And like she did in the movie, I need to change the way I look at things. No more J.D – esque daydreams about happily – ever – after a few days into a flirtation, no more sitting around for hours analyzing everything about a conversation with a guy and spinning it to suit me, and no more wasting time on someone who clearly is just not that into me. I’m tired of all the drama that comes with it…
That said, getting over Seximus Prime (the guy from to posts ago) and his ridiculous love making is number one on my drama – tox list. He says he’s not in the right place for anything serious right now but is down for something casual. Which I’m not sure I want to get into for the simple reason that I’m far too emotional for casual sex… That and the “I’m not ready” excuse has been overdone; the girl feels sorry for you because of your previous relationship problems, you say you’re not ready but she hears that you’re not ready YET, and she ends up hanging around basically playing the girlfriend role, but not realizing how disposable she is…
What else is on my drama – tox list? I’m not sure yet, all I know is, I need to simplify my life, it’s getting wildly out of control…
Sigh…
[listening to: I don’t trust myself (with loving you) – John Mayer]
Most, if not all girls have watched He’s Just Not That Into You. The main character, Gigi, reminds me of myself in some ways that I am not very proud of.
She was over zealous in her search for love, throwing herself at every guy who showed the slightest bit of interest. She’d let her imagination run wild, and see said guy and herself in a long – term relationship, even though it was only the first date.
In the end, after much heartache and soul – searching, she realized that she was not the exception; the girl who manages to find happily ever after with her soul mate in record time, but that instead, she was the rule.
I, like Gigi, am the rule. And like she did in the movie, I need to change the way I look at things. No more J.D – esque daydreams about happily – ever – after a few days into a flirtation, no more sitting around for hours analyzing everything about a conversation with a guy and spinning it to suit me, and no more wasting time on someone who clearly is just not that into me. I’m tired of all the drama that comes with it…
That said, getting over Seximus Prime (the guy from to posts ago) and his ridiculous love making is number one on my drama – tox list. He says he’s not in the right place for anything serious right now but is down for something casual. Which I’m not sure I want to get into for the simple reason that I’m far too emotional for casual sex… That and the “I’m not ready” excuse has been overdone; the girl feels sorry for you because of your previous relationship problems, you say you’re not ready but she hears that you’re not ready YET, and she ends up hanging around basically playing the girlfriend role, but not realizing how disposable she is…
What else is on my drama – tox list? I’m not sure yet, all I know is, I need to simplify my life, it’s getting wildly out of control…
Sigh…
[listening to: I don’t trust myself (with loving you) – John Mayer]
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