Progress check…

I’d written this on a random piece of paper in August of last year, and because I’m the forgetful kind, it didn’t make it into the blog… but now that I’ve found it, I can look back and see if I accomplished what I so badly wanted to…

IT’S CALLED A BREAK – UP BECAUSE IT’S BROKEN…
I read this book while on vacation (yes, I went down to the coast, and ignored sun and sand to read a self – help book) and it made me feel like an idiot! I actually cried while reading it because I pitied myself… and then I was angry with the authors for telling me these things. Ignorance is bliss, that’s for sure.
After two nights in tears, a few bottles of wine, and packs of cigarettes, I began to see the book as a tool to making me better… to fixing myself as it were. So I finished the book sober, I even managed to laugh at some of the stories, and at myself. And then, before I knew it, I’d reached the end of the book… so now what? Well, the author says it’s time to go out and be that “superfox” that I am deep down… and not to make the same mistakes… easier said than done!
For the past year and a half, I’ve basically been stuck in the same break – up… and that makes me feel so……….. stupid! I have dated guys during that time but I’ve been trapped in the wake of my last “successful” relationship…
A horrible thought just occurred to me; I’m the poster girl for daddy issues! In movies, on T.V and everything else, the asshole, the guy who’s only out to get laid, always looks out for the girl with the daddy issues… because they’re insecure and easy… and that’s me… well, and exaggerated version of me but you get my drift… even my guy friends tell me that when guys aren’t up for a challenge, they’ll look for a girl who seems to have low self esteem or has guy issues of some kind… and I realized that all but one of the guys I’ve been with since my huge break – up, (which weirdly enough was the same day my dad died) have been with me for that reason…
And not just guys in the post – break – up era, just guys generally… so that makes the exceptions three or four… I think… now that’s depressing…
So ANYWAY, I’m on this mission to change… because I do know that I have many great qualities and I do want to be with someone… but only for the right reasons and only when I’ve fixed myself so I know not to settle for less…
But I’m lonely…
So it’s definitely not going to be easy to stay on the straight and narrow…
I guess all I can do is take it one step at a time, do the things I know I ought to, the rest will fall naturally…. I hope… first thing I’m going to do is redecorate my room… messy bed; messy head… it’s time to sort both out!!

Hmmm L.A, looks like I was on to this drama – tox thing before we had our joint epiphany, haha… I have to admit, it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be, I didn’t really start til you and I agreed to help each other out. With the exception of S.P, I did behave; I got over the bastard ex – boyfriend, I stopped hooking up with guys randomly, I haven’t done so badly for myself… if I had to give myself a grade for my progress so far, it’d probably be a B-; I’ve definitely improved but I could do better… here’s to self – improvement!